Dear friends:

It has been a wonderful year and it’s past time for our Annual Family Christmas Newsletter and I know you are all wondering why it is so late, but we were tied up in court the last few weeks defending “man’s best friend” against some irrational dog haters. They’re all worked up because our two pit bulls supposedly killed 15 of their chickens in an “unprovoked attack.” I call 15 against two an “unfair fight” and everyone in the neighborhood knows what provocative bullies their roosters are. Our dogs, “Genghis Khan” and “General Tojo,” have not been in any trouble since they ate the mayor’s horse over a year ago.

We had a wonderful family gathering at Christmas as each of our boys brought a friend home with him. Chris’s friend “Knuckles” McGinley was out on parole, Bourke’s friend “Skip” Palumbo was out, dodging an all-points bulletin. Kent’s closest friend, an accomplished counterfeiter, was also here with his laptop printer. You talk about a “prosperous New Year” and “money to burn!” I put cash down on a new beach house. My boys’ buddies lead interesting lives and they are home-loving kids — they visited about 76 homes this past year! (Their case comes up in May.) Our neighbor’s daughter is a real go-getter. She just graduated from the California Women’s Correctional Facility and the dean there told me she has all the prerequisites to get into San Quentin.

Nancy and I have had a great year with only minor injuries from sail planing and sky diving. In both cases the Lord was with us and we landed on soft swampy ground in the middle of the Mojave Desert. Nancy only broke two of her legs and I was uninjured except that my right foot is now under my left armpit, and I shall be the star of a surgical procedure at the UCLA Medical School Arena, with the entire student body in compulsory attendance. We will be featured on an upcoming episode of Discovery Channel’s new series entitled “Bloody but Unbowed.”

We continue to be active in the community, as evidenced by Nancy’s election as president of the Malibu Society for the Preservation of Landslides. They disabled four bulldozers, 11 skiploaders and 16 dump trucks last year. My election as adjutant of the Malibu Mobile Militia is the high point of my life. I am proud to say I have inspired this group with some new nicknames like the “3M’s” or the “Hit and Run Boys” and some new slogans like “We never saw a gun we didn’t like or a fed we didn’t hate” and “Today Malibu, tomorrow Peoria.” Local Democrat and Republican leaders say I’m the best thing that has happened to them. Our militia group was asked by the Chamber of Commerce to help clear the trash from the local beaches and we sure did. We evacuated 9,500 tourists at gunpoint and posted 100 signs reading “Locals Only.”

Haven’t had a word of thanks from the Chamber, but received a nice formal invitation to meet with some big shots from the L.A. County sheriff, fire and lifeguard services. We feel so blessed this year. Our health is fine except for Nancy’s elephantiasis and my leprosy, but it was a fun safari. Will write again next year if I still have a hand.

Bill Dowey

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The Malibu Times is the first newspaper in Malibu, serving the community since 1946.

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