The Earth is rotating faster on its axis nowadays and I am struggling not to fall off. Changes in every walk of life are occurring at an ever-increasing pace. Even preparing a meal is getting way too complicated.
I just played host to a couple of houseguests, each of whom had strict dietary requirements. The stomach of one of my guests apparently does not take kindly to gluten. “Does that contain gluten?” was a constant refrain heard at breakfast, lunch and dinner. I myself had never even heard of gluten until around 10 years ago; now, everybody is avoiding it as if it were Ebola. I wouldn’t even know gluten if I saw it but my guest wouldn’t dare put anything in her mouth unless there was assurance the food did not contain this dreaded whatever it is.
The other guest could not eat pork, dairy or oats. You would be surprised how many items include some form of dairy. However, if you are going to play host, you need to be sensitive to the needs of your guests—even if it means there will be no homemade lemon squares or chocolate cake (two of my favorite desserts).
Before our guests arrived, my bride went over the hill, to the valley, to shop at one of those grocery stores that specialize in accommodating every plausible—and implausible—dietary need. She returned many hours later (it takes a long time to read every label carefully) with a trunk full of grocery bags containing products that I had never seen before, but which were ostensibly food. I was forced to take out a second mortgage on my home to pay for this sojourn, but apparently money is no object when hosting people we love.
As we put away what looked like food, one package immediately caught my attention. It contained 12 small chocolate chip cookies even though I doubt chocolate or chips ever made it near the bakery where they were prepared.
The small package announced on five of its six sides “free to eat.” This reference had absolutely nothing to do with the cost of the cookies. There seems to be an inverse relationship between what the cookie does not have and what it costs—the fewer ingredients, the more expensive. I am beginning to think I can only afford to love fewer people.
Upon reading closer, I soon realized that “free” meant free from the top eight allergens. I had never heard of allergens and certainly did not know it had its own top eight list. As I methodically read about what these cookies did not contain, I was too exhausted to find out what they actually did contain, which was more than likely a blessing. I was delighted to read they were gluten-free as well as dairy-free, but I went into shock when I read that these precious little cookies contained absolutely “no shellfish.”
You have got to be kidding! In my entire life, I have never heard of a baked good containing shellfish. Why would they put this on the package? Was I paying extra for these cookies not to contain shellfish? If these cookies did not contain shellfish, did these cookies also not contain asphalt, since it is as unlikely for a baked good to have asphalt, as it is to contain shellfish? Why did they not post this on their package?
My houseguests left and there, in our basket of baked goods, remained two packages of these so-called “free to eat” chocolate chip cookies. One package remains unopened and the other is missing one of its original 12 cookies. Apparently the cookie tasted every bit as bad as one would imagine since it didn’t have shellfish to give it some taste.