It’s the summer doldrums.

PCH is down to one lane each way, and Malibu is absolutely dead. You could fire off a canon at lunchtime in some of the local restaurants, and the only thing you’d hit is a waiter.

The mass of people that makes our typical summer just isn’t there. In case anyone had any doubts about where our traffic comes from, we now have the final, indisputable answer. It’s almost all from the outside. I don’t need a massive traffic study to prove that. Simply calculate the waiting time at Starbucks for a morning “grande nonfat wet cap” and you know for certain.

The narrowing of PCH has also created a monumental traffic jam on the 101 and 405, so those outsiders better start treating us nicer or we just might leave their roads jammed up.

I know there are a few of you who kind of like the idea of Fortress Malibu, alone and isolated, independent and untouched by others, connected to the outside world by only the long umbilical cord of PCH. “If only they’d stay out of our town,” the refrain goes, “we’d be in great shape.” Probably true if we’d be willing to maintain PCH as our own little road, but that could get a little pricey. This winter season, Caltrans spent roughly $25 million to keep PCH open. Add another $20 million to fix the Las Flores Mesa slide and that means they’re already into PCH for $45 million, and the year is barely half over. Throw in a fire season or a rainy winter and this could end up a $75 million to $100 million extravaganza. The price tag on our independence can get a little high. We have to be grateful that we’re part of a larger transportation network, because if we weren’t, no agency would be spending those kind of bucks to keep a town of 11,000 happy.

Even the City Council seems to have lost its normal vituperative energy this summer. Its members have taken to bitching and sniping at each other and not much beyond that, and no one seems to be exercised very much. That could change if the campaign investigation heats up, but for now it’s hanging in limbo until the facts are collected or until a major attempt is made to try and block the collection of those facts.

While nothing much is happening here and while the rest of the country is ignoring or trying to ignore the fracas in Washington, D.C. (about whether she did or she didn’t and who knew and who will squeal), we’re really all dealing with the only real major issue of the day.

That issue? Are McGwire, Griffey and Sosa going to break Maris’s record of 61 home runs?

I don’t know if it hits women the same way, but there is something about the pursuit of any record, particularly that record, that dips deep into psyche of every man. It’s the stuff of heroic legend. It’s the pursuit of excellence, the affirmation of manhood, the confluence of strength, skill and eyesight in an assault on a mythic record.

Once again, I find myself reading the sports page, checking out the National League box scores and bringing back memories and little pieces of information long since forgotten, buried under a truckload of adult responsibilities, about hitting a little, white ball.

We guys all know this isn’t about athletic prowess, because Mark McGwire, Ken Griffey Jr. and Sammy Sosa are great athletes. They have the ability to break the record. As they get closer to the record, the battle turns internal. The battle is to stay loose and focused.

The trick is to relax. To turn off the thought of 50,000 people sitting in the park, hanging on every pitch. To not swing at the bad pitches. To not swing too hard. To not go for the fences on every swing. To be able to sleep at night when they start to get close.

Before, when the season was ending, they were behind the record. It was possible to break it but not very likely. Now, they’re on a pace that’s ahead of the record. If they keep up the pace, they may all break it. That’s going to end soon as one and possibly two fall behind and get eliminated from the race. That will leave the leader, probably McGwire, alone to face the world and every pitch.

The mania is really just beginning now. By this time next month, barring injury, it will become a national obsession. The summit is in view, and it’s reachable. It’s going to be an interesting summer.

So our beloved Hughes is now Ralphs, at least on the inside. But since we shop on the inside, the condition outside is little consolation.

I feel the pain. I know the complaints. Reduced stock, new and surly staff, difficult aisles and complex pricing schemes incomprehensible to all but cryptographers and world class chess players. But wake up Malibu and grasp the big picture. This is the evolution of modern marketing and we must understand it if we are to survive!

No one believes the explanation given by Ralphs. No competitive corporation willingly destroys its customer base and alienates the community merely to maintain uniform store policies. The real objective is to acclimate shoppers to the coming revolution in retail sales. This is behavior modification on a large scale. Look beneath the surface and the truth is revealed.

Why are the shopping carts outside the store? It is inconvenient, particularly in the rain. Collection points around the parking lot are being removed. More and more, shoppers are obliged to return their carts to the store front. Sometimes, shoppers who have loaded their vehicles wait to find arriving shoppers who will take their cart back to the store.

This is the beginning of a fundamental shift in the distribution of labor. For now, we are asked only to handle the shopping carts. Soon, items will be stocked on palates instead of the shelves. If we want an item, we will have to unpack it. As the trend continues we will be required to handle more stock. Eventually, the stock will be left on the trucks and shoppers will have to bring their items into the store to buy them.

Why are so many items discontinued? It is a frustrating practice that continues at a furious pace. Removed items are replaced by store brand items. Of course, you can request something else. If you ask often and loudly you just might get it. But don’t count on it.

This is attitude adjustment. It seems innocent now. But, when the process is complete, we will only desire the store brand. We will be required to complete a questionnaire and perhaps spend a few minutes with the in-store counselor to justify the purchase of any brand other than the store brand. We will be made to feel uncaring, unsupportive and perhaps even foolish for wanting any brand other than the brand chosen for us by Ralphs.

Why has pricing become so complex? We must join the club. We need a card with our code number. If we forget it, the checkers will use theirs — for a while. Our old friendly checkers gladly used their cards for us. Suddenly, new checkers who do not know us and don’t much care tell us that they cannot use their cards any more. No card, no discount. Follow the rules or suffer the punishment. Learn the program and conform or perish in the aisles.

Promotional specials are even worse. Want the discount price? No problem. Just be certain that you announce this fact loudly to the checker before the checker touches the register, be certain to have the discount items first in line and above all you must beat the checker to the bar code reader with your membership card. Quite simple when thoroughly learned and practiced.

These tactics will quickly separate the sheep from the rebels. Sure, many shoppers will leave in disgust. But those who remain will be proven conformists. Little-by-little, Ralphs is winnowing the unruly mob of individuals who used to shop at Hughes into disciplined members of an elite shopping cult.

This is the end game. No individual demands. No inefficient effort to serve the selfish desires of the individual shopper. Just one large harmonious group gladly accepting the goods they are directed to purchase on any given day. This is shopping in the new millennium and Ralphs is way ahead of the others.

But visualize the big picture. There are hidden benefits. There will be new job opportunities and a new social class. Those of us unable to conform to the new requirements at Ralphs will be forced to hire shopping agents who have mastered the system. Those with the intelligence and stamina to survive the shopping wars will be rewarded with a prestigious new social position. T-shirts and bumper stickers will proclaim “I Survived Shopping At Ralphs.” We will bond as do all groups who weather a disaster together.

So we must each make a decision. Do we accept this radical conversion or fight for our future? Will we become wimps or guerrilla shoppers? For myself, I have chosen to take the challenge. I will be strong. I will persist. I will study and train. I will exercise daily. I will have my club code number tattooed on my forearm so that I can thrust it into the beam of the bar code reader.

I will not shop at places like Pacific Coast Greens, Vicente Foods or Gelsons. These old-fashioned establishments coddle the shopper with convenience and service keeping shoppers weak and dependent. Because I can see the big picture, I will gladly suffer to improve my skills and become a 21st century shopper. I have my own agenda. I have my own plan. When I am strong, when I am able to face crowded aisles and long, long checkout lines with confidence, I will finally be able to shop at Trader Joe’s.

Name withheld upon request (while the writer seeks entry into the witness protection program).

First, I’d like to state, “I love Malibu.”

The people are warm and friendly and the area is beautiful. I was born in Santa Monica and lived in Malibu during the ’80s but, unfortunately, now I am only one of your many yearly tourists.

The reason I write today is a concern for your lovely city. Malibu needs a face lift!

What’s up with the unsightly Malibu Pier? Can’t this at least be painted and those horrid boards taken down? As such a central focus, I can’t believe it has stayed this way for so long. I would think, with all the local artists in the area, someone could improve the eyesore. It used to be so charming. Even if there are no plans for a total renovation, there must be an inexpensive way to at least clean it up.

Also, couldn’t it be lit at night? Why can’t people be allowed to stroll along the pier?

Malibu residents take great pride in their community. I think if a beautification campaign was started, both locals and tourists would support the effort to bring back the charm of the Malibu Pier

Laureen Hunady

As a newcomer to Malibu, can you explain why the pier is boarded up, why we can’t send our children to the preschool on Las Flores Canyon and why we have to park with two wheels on the pavement.

Curious.

Bobbi Kleinman