By Burt Ross
You, my reader, are trying to figure out what this column is about, and once again, if you try to get ahead of the story, you more than likely will be mistaken. This column has absolutely nothing to do with any kind of meat. The word “butcher” can be a verb as well as a noun, and in this case, it refers to my propensity to butcher expressions.
I have little difficulty mastering one word at a time, but when I have to deal with a string of words, especially an expression, proverb, or idiom, for reasons I cannot fathom, I butcher the English language mercilessly.
Once upon a time, we had a vice president named Dan Quayle. He, too, had serious trouble with his native tongue and actually thought the word “potato” ended with an “e,” much to the consternation of every English teacher throughout our land. Quayle had so much difficulty with expressions that he quickly became a comedy writer’s dream.
For instance, in attempting to quote the United Negro College Fund’s famous slogan, “A mind is a terrible thing to waste,” the vice president said: “What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.” I’m not making this up. If you don’t believe me, simply Google “Dan Quayle quotes.”
I joined the multitudes in laughing at poor Dan until I realized that I was no better; in fact, possibly worse. I was in no position to throw stones when I lived in the proverbial glass house. While addressing a crowd during my political days, I tried to equate two things of equal value. This is the pearl of wisdom that came out of my mouth, “It’s simply six of one, a dozen of another.” My math teachers just turned in their graves.
On another occasion, I actually said, “No good deed goes punished.” It was a noble, aspirational thought, but not the popular expression which means the complete opposite. The other day I said, “Far and few between” which is close but not quite there.
I once even delved into a Biblical expression and out came something like this, “A camel has trouble going through the eye of a needle.” Now in all fairness to myself, what I spoke was the truth, but not exactly what Jesus said when talking about a rich person’s chance of getting into heaven.
And most recently I actually told my wife and daughter much to their amazement and amusement, “Father is the necessity of invention.”
When I talk, common expressions frequently come to mind, but before I can censor myself, they unfortunately escape. I once pronounced, “The apple doesn’t grow far from the oak tree,” which is true if there is an oak tree right next to the apple tree.
I now wish to apologize profusely for ever having ridiculed Dan Quayle. As for me, I will make every effort to avoid idioms and stick to the basics.