Blog: Japanese Toilet

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Burt Ross

A few weeks back, my bride and I stayed at some fancy-schmancy hotel in Oahu. I needed to use the facilities and, when I opened the door, I saw before me a monstrous contraption right out of a science fiction movie, with more cables and wires connected to it than the electric chair. It was, in fact, a Japanese toilet.

I sat down and, before I knew it, I heard a low gurgling sound emanating from the depths of this new-fangled machine. I knew that parts of Hawaii were in an active volcano zone, but I could not believe I might actually be sitting on top of one. The thought of a volcano erupting while I was in this delicate position was unnerving, to say the least.

I proceeded to observe many buttons before me marked “front cleansing,” “rear cleansing” and “blow dry.” All I wanted to do was go to the bathroom without first having to read an operating manual.

Then, I noticed an unmarked button. I had no idea what might happen were I to push that button. Perhaps I would receive an immediate and unwanted colonoscopy. Or maybe just touching that button would launch me into orbit. The prospect of circling the globe while firmly attached to a toilet was quite disconcerting.

If all of this were not disturbing enough, my bottom was suddenly succumbing to a heat wave. Just what I always needed — a toilet seat warmer. Apparently, the great minds of Japan are devoting a lot of their time coming up with new applications for their toilets. I think they see this invention as their answer to our iPhone. 

I heard a rumor that Japanese scientists are actively working on allowing a toilet sitter to arrange for separate temperatures for separate buttocks. As far as I am concerned, if I want my buns heated, I will buy myself a toaster.