Jonathan Friedman
My acting debut
I am now officially a movie actor. I realize this won’t impress many people in Malibu, but I am still proud to announce I have fulfilled my life-long dream of appearing in a full-length feature film.
So how did this silver screen debut come about? Well, a few months ago, a friend of mine (who shall remain anonymous for his protection) told me he had raised a decent amount of money, saved some himself and planned to max-out some credit cards to make a small-time suspense film. Impressed at his motivation and due to the fact I had drunk a few too many that night, I slapped him on the back, and said, “Any help you need, just ask.”
A few weeks later, my friend left a voice message that went something like this, “Hey John, we’re starting filming on Sunday. If you could be at the building at 8 a.m., that would be great.”
After listening to the message, it took me a second to think of what he was talking about, but then I recalled my generous offer from a few weeks earlier. And I hit myself, thinking about what I must have gotten myself into.
My Sunday mornings are dedicated to the various news and sports shows on television, so it was a bit of a struggle to motivate myself to leave the apartment. I finally got myself going, and arrived at about 10 a.m. at this shady building near Downtown Los Angeles. I tried to ignore the continuous police sirens, and banged on the gated door. After a few minutes, some of my other friends who were suckered into helping with the movie came to the door to let me in. Surprisingly, nobody appeared to care that I was two hours late. Why? Because they were still debating about the lighting for the first scene.
This is when I discovered the most popular thing to do for actors during film shoots: Waiting. I was told my scene would be shooting at 11 a.m. “or so.” So I sat in a room and waited, and waited. I briefly spoke to the star of the film. She is training to become a midwife. She told me various uses for the placenta after the birth, including inserting it in lasagna. I will be sure to reject any dinner invitation from her, at least if Italian food is on the menu. Another actor in the movie was less than friendly, as he did not respond to my questions because he wanted “to stay in character.”
Eventually noon rolled around, and I was told my scene was ready to go. Now, I’m not sure what the plot or title of this movie is. But basically the set is supposed to be a strip club, and the movie has something to do with gangsters and some sort of revenge story. My character is a fraternity brother who was supposed to sit at a bar with some other guys while we ask one of the main characters to have a drink with us. But just as I sat down in preparation for the big scene, one lighting guy turned to the other and said, “He’s not going to work for this scene sitting there.”
I responded, “You want me to move my chair over?” Without hesitation, he said, “No, we want you out of the scene.”
I was crushed. But there was a bright side, as I was excited at the idea of being able to leave while there was still daylight outside. But then my friend asked if I could stick around to do a different scene. He said it would be filmed in a “couple hours.”
So, more waiting. I ate some junk food that was made available for us actors. And I conversed with a few of my friends, while we all pretended we didn’t mind the extensive waiting. I then spoke to one of the make-up guys who I had earlier seen putting glitter and make-up on some of the actresses in non-G-rated parts of their bodies. He then informed me one of them was his sister. I thought about asking the various questions that popped into my head upon hearing this information. Then I decided against it.
Finally 7 p.m. rolled around, as in nine hours after I arrived. I was told my part involved my sitting at a table at the strip club. While the action is going on in front of me, (some dialogue with two gangsters trying to kill each other, or talking about killing each other, I’m not quite sure), I’m at a table with a stripper who is trying to talk me into paying for a lap dance. Since I’m a good boy and my mom is likely to read this column, I pretend I don’t know how to talk to a stripper. The actress playing the stripper told me just to talk about anything, and pretend like we’re chatting about the lap dance, since our dialogue wasn’t going in the movie anyhow.
So here was our conversation: She asked me where I went to acting school. After chuckling, I told her I’m just here for my friend. She then asked me if I’ve been in all his movies. Since this is his first movie, and I’m not sure what he told this woman, I quickly had to think of a response. I first told her that I couldn’t hear her. That stalling didn’t help for too long. Then I said, “Oh no, I just do the smaller films.” I then realized I had insulted her. But before I needed to think of how to save myself, I heard my friend say, “You’re done.”
So that’s it? That’s my big scene, my big movie moment, which took all of one minute to film? But alas, I must have done something good. I’ve been asked to return next weekend for some more filming. Perhaps this time I’ll even get a line for the movie.