Martha Stewart will not be dining at my house, in Malibu, this Thanksgiving as she is in demand by the Securities and Exchange Commission. I’m telling you in advance, so don’t act surprised. I’ve made a few small changes for Thanksgiving since Ms. Stewart won’t be visiting.
Our driveway will not be lined with homemade paper bag luminaries, as shown in Martha’s Thanksgiving Book on page 34. I decided that rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect in Malibu, in the fall, as they do elsewhere.
The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens or fancy China. If possible, my wife will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this is Thanksgiving, the Fakehanys will refrain from using the plastic wreath plates and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.
Our centerpiece will not be the usual tower of fresh fruit and flowers. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration, hand-crafted from the finest construction paper made by our youngest son in Sister Mary’s fourth grade class for this occasion. He assured me, 20 years ago, it is a turkey and stands by this statement today.
We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty bell to announce the start of our banquet. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method of yelling “DINNER.” We’ve also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, gather around the table and sit where you like.
I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress “private” meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.
Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts as in the past, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and a fingerprint or two. You will still have your choice: take it or leave it.
We will be offering a time-honored prayer before dinner and ask a blessing for our nation and world peace.
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won’t come next year either as most likely she will be dining in a reserved cell in upstate New York.
And that is all I have to say.
Tom Fakehany