Every once in a while, I write a column and get my facts afterwards. This is a dangerous practice. As an example, I wrote the column which you are about to read in the firm belief that the little reptiles invading my privacy were geckos. My apologies to geckos and to my readers. As it turns out, a friend of mine—Phil Bellomy—just informed me that these critters are blue belly lizards not geckos. Rather than throw the column in the garbage can, I have decided to publish it anyway. If you feel the least bit uncomfortable reading something which is not accurate, get over it. We are living in the era or error of alternative facts.
Geckos are not an endangered species—you can trust me on that one. They are taking over Malibu. They are all over the place. If there are 13,000 residents of Malibu, and over 12 million visitors who come here each year, there must be at least two trillion geckos making Malibu their home. No, I did not conduct a head count, but if Trump can make up figures out of whole cloth, so can a local blogger/columnist.
When I enter or exit my house, I close the doors quickly so as not to allow any of the little critters from using my home rent-free. Geico certainly knew what it was doing when it made a gecko their spokesperson. Whenever I notice one of these little critters, which is all the time, I immediately think I can save 15 percent and want to call Geico immediately to buy some insurance.
If you have noticed that I have something against these small fry lizards, you are most observant. For one thing, they fornicate all the time. No, I am not jealous, but I do believe in decorum, and it would be nice if they hid behind a tree or a bush before jumping on one another. They seem to harbor no shame, and they “do it” as if they had nothing else to do. I know the song says, “Even the birds and bees do it,” but geckos also?
What really bothers me about these reptiles is their obsession with working out. Yes, you hear me correctly. If you take the time out to look at them, often you will see them doing push-ups. You might think they are doing something else, but I know a push-up when I see a push-up. One little fellow actually did 10 push-ups before taking time out to rest. I can’t even do that, and I resent their work ethic.
The pure naturalist among you might have a different theory as to what these work out enthusiasts are really doing, but when I looked up “gecko push-ups,” the following explanation appeared: “Lizards work out for the same reason a guy at the gym might: as a display of strength. And with lizards, as can be the case with men, the push-ups also mean ‘get out of my territory.’”
I have a simple response to all this—if these geckos wish to work out, let them join a gym, and if they are telling me to get out of their territory when they are on my property, I have another thing to say to them that is not fit for print. As far as I am concerned, if they continue to flaunt their promiscuity and territorial ambitions, I think it is time for Geico to switch to another creature.