Blog: Malibu is Shrinking

Burt Ross

We in Malibu are being attacked in all directions. If it were not enough that the ocean is eroding our beaches, we now learn that Malibu is not 27 miles of scenic beauty, but merely 21 miles of scenic beauty.

Inquiring minds want — in fact, demand — to know where these six miles went and how we can get them back. I cannot begin to calculate the value of these six miles of scenic beauty, but my guess is it runs into bazillions (not the currency of Brazil).

There are a lot of things that can be stolen without the victim noticing right away, but how do six miles of invaluable real estate disappear without anybody realizing it? The first I learned that Malibu was disappearing was when I read an article in this very esteemed publication stating that Malibu was being reduced by six miles, and then it was confirmed by new signs welcoming visitors to a diminished paradise.

In our era of extreme skepticism and cynicism, there can only be one explanation — our government officials on the local level have conspired (no, make that colluded) with county, state and even federal officials to hide this theft from the public and will in due course sell the land for their own incalculable profit. The Russians might also be involved, but that is yet to be proven.

Now, you, my reader, might think this is a laughing matter (I pray you feel that way), but it is anything but. I have only lived in Malibu for over five years, which means we are losing on average over a mile a year. If this pilfering continues at the same rate, there will be no Malibu in two decades, and we will all be living — I haven’t a clue where.

Even though our territory is shrinking, somehow our population is not. Look at those signs welcoming people to Malibu. They clearly state our population was 13,000 and remains 13,000. How can you lose almost 25 percent of your land and not a single person? One can only conclude that the six miles lost were uninhabited, or the person counting our population was smoking something very powerful. 

This, of course, all begs the question whether we actually ever had 13,000 people living here in the first place. Sounds to me like somebody rounded up or down to get to those three zeros. When my bride and I moved here, I expected to see the welcoming signs change to reflect us as newcomers and then to read “13,002,” but it never happened. It is starting to feel like I might not exist in a part of Malibu which is no longer.

Note to Reader: For those of you who would prefer the real facts about this subject to my alternative facts, they can be found in an April 24 article in this publication.