Blog: New Year’s Predictions

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Burt Ross

Each year at exactly this time, I am torn as to whether I should write about New Year’s resolutions, all of which I have absolutely no intention of keeping, or New Year’s predictions, all of which will most certainly not come true. I flipped a coin and predictions won out once again, so here goes:

  1. Oscar winner Daniel Day Lewis announced he is quitting the acting business. At one point he studied to become a shoe cobbler, so I predict he will compose a new song, “There’s no business like shoe business.” (Forgive me. I realize puns are the lowest form of humor, but I have absolutely no self-control.)
  2. Real Estate expert Rick Wallace will be named “Man of the Year” by Malibu’s Chamber of Commerce after declaring the median house in Malibu reached an all time high of $35 million. This award will be revoked when it turns out there was a typo, and the median value was only $3.5 million.
  3. The city council will announce that Malibu has shrunk another six miles and is now only 15 miles long. 
  4. Having been accused of inappropriate sexual behavior (pinching derrieres), President Herbert Walker Bush will appear in public wearing boxing gloves. Barbara Bush will appear next to him wearing a broad smile.
  5. Donald Trump’s urologist will prescribe medicine for bladder control. Trump will finally sleep through the night, and the 3 a.m. tweets will be a thing of the past.
  6. I predict that some male somewhere in the world will announce he never assaulted a woman. 
  7. A statue of Abraham Lincoln will be mistakenly removed by somebody who thought Lincoln fought for the South.
  8. Surfing will become a mandatory course at Malibu High. Nobody will be allowed to graduate without first hanging five (whatever that means).
  9. Surfing will become a mandatory course at Pepperdine. Nobody will be allowed to graduate without first hanging 10. (I assume whatever “hanging 10” means is twice as difficult as “hanging five.”) 
  10. Totally unaware that I write a humor column, a reader will ask me to write a column about colonoscopies. 

Of my 10 predictions, I predict that in the extreme unlikelihood that any of them actually materializes, only No. 10 has any chance of becoming true. If any of you believe the other predictions might come true, I predict you are destined to experience a life filled with keen disappointment.

Please feel free to submit your own predictions and Happy New Year!