What is your environmental quotient?

From the publisher/Arnold G. York

If you’d like to test your CCCEQ, that is, your California Coastal Commission Environmental Quotient, I suggest you take the following quiz:

# 1. The following pose critical dangers to our environment and it’s therefore necessary for the Coastal Commission to restrict them to protect the environment.

(a) Vegetable garden

(b) A family pet including a horse, a dog, a cat or even a goldfish

(c) Garbage disposal unit

(d) A lighted tennis court

(e) All of the above

# 2. Being a member of, affiliated with, or even suffering exposure to the California Coastal Commission bureaucracy may produce the following possible effects:

(a) Initially, a gradual, almost imperceptible, loss of judgment

(b)Prolonged exposure, unless treated aggressively, can result in a total and permanent loss of judgment

(c) A rapid loss of hearing manifested in an inability to hear any voices other than your own

(d) An uncontrollable lust to achieve absolute power over everything you can

(e) All of the above

#3. If you, any member of your family, or any governmental instrumentality of which you may be a part has sinned environmentally, as established by the bureaucracy mentioned above, you, yours, and they can gain absolution by:

(a)Agreeing to mitigate your sins by temporarily doing nothing with your home or land for the next 123 years while the environmental evaluation is being completed

(b)Genuflecting and giving money to Joe Edmiston and the Santa Monica Mountains Conservancy

(c)Apologizing to the Gods of greenness for

(i) being on the planet and using valuable environmental resources, which could be better spent on furry and winged creatures

(ii) any seeds that any Chumash might have inadvertently brought back in their canoes from Catalina, thereby introducing non-native plants to the mainland

(iii) any environmental degradation caused by Cortez and any other conquistadors while ravishing the New World

(iv) graciously giving more money to Joe Edmiston and the Santa Monica Mountains Conservancy so they can continue the good works of their ministry

#4. When going down to the Coastal Commission hearing on Jan. 10, if you choose to speak, the appropriate way to address Peter Douglas, the executive director of the Coastal Commission, is

(a) Your Greenness

(b) Your most all knowing and revered Greenness

(c) Your most high and mighty and incontestable all knowing and revered Greenness

(d) Pete

Answers to the quiz

#1. All of the above. California Coastal Commission research has shown that life causes degradation to the environment, but rather than pursue the ruthless logic of that evaluation, the commission has decided to be more liberal and allow us to coexist with the environment provided we agree to mitigate by:

(i) Not consuming any earth, air or water

(ii) Solemnly promise not to excrete any bodily products, but instead to collect them in biodegradable bags and deliver them to the appropriate facility

(iii) Pay a tribute (called fees) to Joe Edmiston and the Santa Monica Mountains Conservancy at such intervals as he shall dictate

(iv) Promise to take an endangered steelhead trout into your home and raise it to adulthood ( trout college is optional)

# 2. Again, all of the above. One should avoid exposure to the California Coastal Commission at all costs since prolonged exposure is dangerous to your health, your sanity and most definitely, your economic well-being.

# 3. This is a trick question. The California Coastal Commission has already determined that any environmental sin can be expiated by giving generously to Joe Edmiston and the Santa Monica Mountains Conservancy to continue their good works.

# 4. (a), (b) and ( c) are all acceptable methods of address. Of course, you’ll be prone at the time and there will be no eye contact. (d) is the basis of a lifetime refusal of coastal permits in California or any other state where his ego may ultimately take him.

The Malibu Times is the first newspaper in Malibu, serving the community since 1946.

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