I’m searching for meaning in the disjointed randomness of what made newspaper headlines in the past week. Overriding the deadly seriousness of world events—famine in Ethiopia, terrorist attacks in Saudi Arabia, renewed violence in Israel, Bush seeking newer, smaller nukes-is the wackiness of stories on the home front.
“How the Cookie Crumbles:” Dr. Atkins is barely cold in his grave as this country renews its obsession with fat. Not your ordinary saturated fat deemed responsible for clogging arteries, widening rumps and dimpling thighs. But the more illusive trans fat, found in most snack foods and packaged bakery products.
Kraft Foods, responsible for such culinary delicacies as Cheez Whiz, was being sued by San Francisco attorney Stephen L. Joseph to stop it from marketing Oreo cookies to California children. But Joseph announced he was dropping the suit because it had received so much publicity he would never be able to convince a judge that consumers are still uninformed about the dangers of trans fats. Point made, Joseph is now taking his show on the road, lobbying the Food and Drug Administration for mandated inclusion of trans fats on nutrition labels. Kraft and other makers of products containing partially hydrogenated oils have so far successfully lobbied against this.
“Will airline check in become a weigh in?”: The Federal Aviation Administration orders airlines to add 10 pounds to the assumed weight of each air passenger (and five pounds to their luggage) to more realistically estimate load limits for flight safety. This follows a move last year to force visibly wide bodies to purchase two seats.
Will those who have consumed too many Oreos be charged overweight fees? Will Greyhound boost ridership with an ad campaign welcoming fubsies toting lunch bags of chocolate creme sandwiches?
“Gene Splicers Cook Up a Fine Kettle of Fish:” Bioengineered salmon, created by splicing a growth hormone gene from an ocean pout fish with a wild salmon gene, produces salmon that grow to full size in 18 months and produce a kind of antifreeze that allows them to live in colder water. This comes at a time when global warming is melting polar ice, raising ocean temperatures and diminishing the food supply for wild salmon.
“Davis Budget of Last Resort contradicts itself:” New plan retains $180 million for reduced class size, supported by the California Teachers Association. However, 3,000 teachers have received pink slips. Who’s doing the math here? The new budget also includes huge raises for prison guards, while education programs for inmates are being scrapped even though recidivism is hugely reduced among inmates educated in prison.
“Paper of Record Made-Up Stuff:” The litany of plagiarized text, quotes of people not interviewed and fiction-as-fact by former New York Times reporter Jayson Blair is reported in the paper’s own mea culpa, blaming lax editors as much as the gloryseeking reporter. New York publishers compete for his memoir, a work of fiction, we presume.
“Hummer Drivers Complain about Gas Mileage”
“Disney Shoos Off Aerial Ad Towing Airplanes”
“Court Orders Peafowl Removed From Palos Verdes Estates”
“Sequoia National Park Pot Farming Paradise”
And finally: “Texas Dems On Lam in Oklahoma:” Hoot of the week was the night flight of 58 Texas Democratic legislators who fled the Capitol to avoid voting on a redistricting bill, allegedly drawn up by U.S. House Majority Leader Tom DeLay (a Texas Republican), that would have given seven more seats to the GOP. Also on the agenda is a budget bill that would remove 56,000 elderly and disabled from Medicaid and 250,000 children of low-income families from the Children’s Health Insurance Program.
Democrats hoped to kill this in the same fell swoop.
The tactic would deny Republicans a quorum until after the deadline for a vote. In true Texas style, Republicans called out the Texas Rangers and troopers to hunt down the runaways, but lacking jurisdiction in Oklahoma and New Mexico, they failed to bring back their men (and women), most of whom were hunkered down in an Ardmore, Okla. hotel.
Without their cell phones.
Only magnificent organization and party loyalty could separate a politician from his Nokia.
A ploy to involve Homeland Security by claiming a lawmaker’s plane was “missing” also failed.
Even in the flamboyant history of Texas politics, this event was notable for its cohesive planning, secrecy and,ultimately, its success.
The scary thing is that Washington has become Texas East. What is deemed colorful in Austin should be considered unseemly in the nation’s capital. It is rumored that when White House Secretary Ari Fleischer, that dignified East Coast guardian of administration secrecy, resigns this summer, even he will be replaced by a Texan.
God save the Republic.