You vill like it


    Malibuites are as American as English muffins and French toast. On Dec. 4, Malibu’s Washington Mutual Bank hosted the 26th annual Navy League Malibu Christmas Party benefiting the U.S. Marine Corps Toys for Tots Program. Host branch manager Linda Willison explained to the Navy Leaguers that Major Bill Hendricks founded the Marine Corps Reserve Toys for Tots Program in Los Angeles, Calif., in 1947 and that the first year 5000 toys were collected during the campaign before Christmas. This holiday season year over 25 million toys will be collected. In 1948, continued Navy Leaguer Olivia Thornton, the United States Marine Corps Reserve adopted the Toys for Tots program as a nationwide community service project conducted by local reserve units across the nation. Walt Disney designed the now famous Toys for Tots train logo and created the first national Toys for Tots poster. These Christmas posters have become a recognized part of the annual program, and through the years have featured such notable characters as Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, Dennis the Menace, Bugs Bunny and the Road Runner.

    I was captured in conversation by ex Marine Col. Vince Andoloro, along with Chris Nielson, Claire Christenson, Ron Merriman, Gordon Arford, Mary Bowman, Ed Niles and Kay Niles. Vince informed the crew that he personally had knowledge that Malibu’s newly appointed Rhetoric Commission has just announced an arrangement calling for English to be the official language of the city of Malibu — rather than Spanish (the other possibility). The way I remember the conversation, Andoloro stated that as part of the negotiations, the commission conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement. Thus the commission had accepted, a five-year phase-in of new rules that would apply to the language as applied to city of Malibu forms, inner government memos, correspondence, e-mail and other city business. The commission has classified the language as Malibu-English.

    The City of Malibu Rhetoric Commission Five Year Plan is as follows:

    In year one, the soft ‘c’ would be replaced by the ‘s’. Sertainly, this will make the Malibu sivil servants jump with joy. The hard ‘c’ will be replaced by ‘k’. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan now have one less letter.

    There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome ‘ph’ is replaced by ‘f’. This should reduse ‘fotograf’ by 20 percent.

    In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Malibuites will be enkouraged when applying for city permits to remove the double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

    Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent ‘e’s in the language is disgrasful and we should eliminat them. By year four, Malibuites wil be reseptiv to lingwistik korektions such as replasing ‘th’ with ‘z’ and ‘w’ with ‘v’ (saving mor keyboard spas). During ze fifz year, ze unesesary ‘o’ kan be dropd from vords kontaining ‘ou’ and similar changes vud of kors be applied to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz year, ve vil have a reli sensibil riten styl. Zer vil be no more trubls or difikultis and evrirum vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.

    Thus, Vince Andoloro remarks, in 2004 the fantasy will finally turn to reality as Malibuites will finally be able to communicate with their city government in a language common to all Malibu citizens.

    Tom Fakehany (Fake a knee)