I am pleased to report that a recent examination by my urologist produced great news: two hernias and an enlarged prostate. Now you, my loyal readers, might inquire as to why any sane human being might consider two hernias and an enlarged prostate “great news.” First, I have never held myself out as 100 percent sane, and for those of you who wish an explanation, that is why you must keep reading.
As for the two hernias, please understand that like most married men, I have certain assigned domestic chores. I take out the garbage, bring the garbage bins to and from the curb, raise and lower the shades, set the table, and so forth. With my new found rips and tears, I have a perfect opportunity to shirk my responsibilities.
Just the other day, my bride asked, “Honey, could you please bring out the garbage?” only to hear the following response, “Are you kidding? I am an injured man who should not lift anything, especially the garbage.”
When asked to set the table, my response was also unequivocal.
“This request is an outrage. In my condition, I should not stretch to retrieve the dishes from the cabinet, nor can I risk additional tears by lifting silverware.”
I have used this medical excuse to avoid all work, no matter how trivial. And so now you see the many benefits of having a hernia. I might not even repair the hernias, so long as I continue to get a pass from all strenuous activity. No fool am I.
Now this brings me to my enlarged prostate. At first, I was downtrodden until I started to think. (This is invariably when I get into trouble.) I now have a reason — a compelling reason — to enter the Republican primary, since this campaign has apparently become the perfect forum for comparing the size of various organs. I can imagine the next debate amongst the four of us — Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, John Kasich and yours truly. Just as one of them compares his manly apparatus, I shall out trump all of them — especially Trump — by declaring in the strongest terms, “I have the largest prostate of all of you, believe me.”
Trump always says “believe me,” so I decided to use the term myself. It seems to be working for him. But I don’t have to ask my opponents to believe me, since I have proof. Despite what are not overly large hands, I can prove unequivocally that my prostate is twice the normal size, and if my opponents don’t believe me, I shall whip out the ultrasound images. If this is the way they want to play the game, count me in.