Blog: Greenland

Burt Ross

I was dreaming the other night, and when I awoke, I had an uncontrollable urge to buy Greenland. You cannot imagine how startled I was to learn that Donald Trump had the same craving. Coincidences abound.

Since I did not know much about Greenland, even though I needed to buy it, I thought I would check it out. Greenland seems to be a chunk of ice and snow with little green on it. It should have been called “Iceland,” but apparently that name was already taken.

So why is this mostly self-governing territory, owned by Denmark, suddenly in demand? I asked myself, “Why the greatest dealmaker in the history of mankind and perhaps before (I am not referring to myself) declared his desire to be a buyer of little more than a gigantic icebox?”

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that Trump was denying climate change for his own benefit. He has been going around telling everybody who would listen that global warming is a hoax fabricated by left-leaning elite socialists, or possibly by the Chinese.

He really knows that the ice on Greenland is melting at an unprecedented rate, and that underneath all that white coating is fertile land that he can pick up for a song, so long as people believe climate change is a myth and that the frozen land will remain frozen forever.

For reasons I do not comprehend, Greenland is, according to Denmark, not for sale. This is a mere technicality, a small hurdle which is easily overcome by somebody as experienced in deal making as Trump is. Frankly, I don’t begin to understand why any country is not willing to sell us part of itself. Surely, we would be willing to sell one of our states if we got a good price.

Although Denmark’s prime minister was initially cool to the idea of selling Greenland and called the idea “absurd,” I am confident that with time she will reconsider and come to the bargaining table. Trump, the master of the deal, might well throw in Guam or even return one of our Virgin Islands, originally owned by Denmark.

If Denmark’s prime minister refuses to negotiate, then in support of our leader I will cancel future trips to Copenhagen (one of my favorite cities), eschew Danish pastry and, if I ever have grandchildren, I will deny them the pleasure of any stories by Hans Christian Andersen. If Denmark’s prime minister insists on her intransigence, I can only agree with Shakespeare when he wrote, “Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.”

This column must unfortunately end now, because I have totally exhausted all my Danish references.