Fur flies in dog debate

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    (The following letter was addressed to Daphne, the beagle.) Although you make a whimpering argument for equal civil rights and freedom from discrimination, the Constitution is clear that “all men (and now women) are created equal” and have the inalienable rights of life, liberty and property in the pursuit of happiness. Not animals! Human beings, not lower beings. Beatles, not beagles. We do not have tails, you do.

    While your animal idolater owners may believe, desire, think and demand that animals should have all of the same rights and privileges as humans, animals do not, and in my humble opinion, should not. The anthropomorphizing of canines, or any animal, is a strange, no, deranged mental and emotional pathology. I know people want unconditional love and dogs seem to give it to those that feed them, but a replacement for kids or grandads or other family or friends, just because they do not talk back negatively or condescendingly, is twisted. (So is wearing ribbons for dogs – traditionally for AIDS victims’ or prisoners’ causes.)

    One survey has shown that three-fourths of pet owners consider their animals akin to children, and a famous study found that nearly half the women surveyed said they relied more on their dogs and cats for affection than on their husbands. (The New York Times, March 25, 2001) I suggest their husbands be potty-trained.

    You also misrepresent what I have written and believe. I am just talking about THE BEACHES should not have dogs on them. I suggested and encouraged walking, running, pooping, peeing, licking, sniffing and socializing on sides of roads, parks, and fields (under control and cleaned up after), and particularly on the dog owners’ property. But why do you insist on coming to my home yard or the public’s beach? Did you know that you can transmit disease to ocean mammals when you play in the water? Why should you get rabies shots? Should you be allowed to infect dolphins and whales because you want to hang at the beach? And you really expect me to believe you do not ever pee or poop on the beach, ever? Who cleans up your pee? (The reason that Malibu Road lady said she did not notice the 27 tons of poop, by her own meticulous calculations, each year made by only two miles of Road dogs may be because the ocean tide was the best flush in town, no monthly water company payments necessary and no bag carrying either, yuck.)

    Unlike some difficult problems, there seems a real easy “win-win” solution here. In order for you to get mutual companionship and protection and security of home and property that dog owners love, and for us who want our own homes and the beach free of mongrels, just stay off it. Be at home (yours) or at some other public or consented-to private place. Is that so intolerable? It is not cruel nor neglectful to have one place off limits.

    Last, I know you think that you’re harmless and would not bite (4.7 million per year of which 3 million are kids is contrary evidence to that false claim), or scratch or jump up or run by and knock anybody down, especially a small child, but that may change when other pooches come running around. As Sgt. Bonjiorno of Animal Control said when I asked him why he thought those three dogs attacked the woman in Decker Canyon recently when one the the dogs was acting friendly licking the woman’s hand, he said, “The other two came around and then they ‘packed’ on her.” I had never heard that expression nor thought about that concept.

    Just like the dog idolaters who went to the City Council and viciously attacked Cookie Cutter with lies and false accusations. They ‘packed’ on her. Stay off the beach and have a wonderful life. In the meantime, we humans do discriminate lawfully against you and want you segregated because you do not have the same rights because you are not deserving of them, for the simple reason that you are not human. When you become one, call me up and we’ll walk on the beach together.

    In the meantime, how did you type those words so correctly on the keyboard? Oh, you wrote it longpaw! Don’t forget, go on the beach and the long claw of the law will gitcha, I promise, even if your owner used a stupid pet trick to try to remain anonymous.

    Sam Birenbaum