Malibu: where every dog is a service dog and welcome everywhere. Dog tushies in grocery store carts are no problem. All Malibu dogs are meticulously clean. Every resident has a housekeeper to ensure that. Bring your precious pups to Ralphs. After all, they’re like our children and smaller ones fit perfectly in the foldout seats where we put our human toddlers.
Let larger doggies climb into low food display areas like the cheese bin. It’s cute and fun. Tugging on the leash is excellent exercise.
Never pick up dog poop. Everybody knows that it makes wonderful fertilizer and should not be wasted. Stepping in it actually helps spread those valuable nutrients.
No need to abide by leash laws or fence your property. Free dogs are happy dogs. Chasing wildlife is a favorite pastime. We have no “endangered species” to worry about on our beaches or in our hills.
If we happen to lose “Fido,” we can simply purchase a replacement purebred. One should never take a chance by adopting from a shelter. After all, those animals were tossed out for a reason.
Malibu: where anyone with a shiny, new car is welcome to park in handicapped spaces. Hell, those handicappers benefit by walking more anyway.
Malibu: where red curbs are the best place to park and play with one’s phone or sip Starbucks. Gas prices are down, so it is perfectly acceptable for cars to idle for long periods. Those less fortunate need to learn patience. More yoga, perhaps?
Newer cars are almost completely soundproofed. Most of those annoying honking horns are almost inaudible. We no longer have to hear those pesky sirens from “first responders” either. That’s why emergency vehicles have lights on top, right?
Malibu: where smoking cigarettes is no problem. We, conveniently, have a giant ashtray right at our fingertips: the Pacific Ocean. We do occasionally miss the giant receptacle and start a major brush fire, but that’s not really a common occurrence.
And I’m just getting started …
Candace Brown