For a couple years I’ve been blaming my tiredness on lack of sleep, stress, a bad diet, too much pressure, a lack of exercise, dandruff buildup and iron poor blood. I just found out the real reason I’m tired is because I’m overworked. You see, the pop-ulation of Malibu, according to the posted city signs, is 13,000 Malibuites. If 3,400 are retired, there are 9,600 to do the work of which there are 3,400 in Malibu schools, so there are really 6,200 to do the work. Of this, there are 490 employed by the federal government, leaving 4,382 to do the work. However, 380 are in the armed forces, 947 sort of toil for state and city of Malibu governments, one is a Malibu City Code Enforcement Officer and that leaves 3,054 Malibuites to do the work. At any given time there are 188 community residents in hospitals, 127 in prison or employed at local newspapers, 1,996 unemployed or on disability, 14 are engaged in chitchat at Lily’s Caf and 726 Malibuites are too prosperous to labor. That leaves just three people in Malibu to do all the work.

You, George Wing, and me!

And there you are sitting, drinking coffee, reading The Malibu Times and trying to figure out why you were hoodwinked by The Malibu Surfside News, The Malibu Times, the local PTA parents and Santa Monica-Malibu Unified School District’s puppet Mike Matthews into voting for the latest school bond which was to pay for a new Malibu High School gym, remodel the auditorium and pay off the $50,000,000 ($50 million) overrun from the previous school bond issue. Jeffrey Kramer’s article in The Malibu Times, May 5, unmistakably points out the failure of the Santa Monica-Malibu School District to once again provide for Malibu schools as promised the local taxpayers. Malibuites once again have to experience the school district’s continued mismanagement and deference for the Malibu taxpayer.

And that is all I have to say.

Tom Fakehany

CAPTAIN KIRK

Malibu’s Charles and Kim Bronson joined neighbors Carroll O’Connor and Larry Hagman at this year’s Odyssey Ball. The locals were among 900 guests who were on hand as Kirk Douglas received the annual “Duke” award. The legendary screen actor was lauded for his lasting contributions in a variety of important causes. Over the years, Kirk and wife, Anne, have supported the Los Angeles Mission for the Homeless, The Access Theater for the handicapped and the Motion Picture Relief Home. Proceeds from the event will benefit the John Wayne Cancer Institute in Santa Monica.

BOWLED OVER

After putting in an electrifying performance at David Foster’s Race to Erase MS benefit, Stevie Wonder takes the stage again at the opening night of the Hollywood Bowl. The wonder boy will be joined by legendary locals Bonnie and John Raitt and mezzo-soprano Marilyn Horne. All will be inducted into the Hollywood Bowl Hall of Fame in an all-star gala evening on June 29 to benefit the Los Angeles Philharmonic’s Music Matters Education Programs. Bravissimo!

SPACE CASE

The party was swell, even if the host was, well, out of this planet. Around 250 elegantly clad guests gathered at the posh estate of Dennis Tito even though the 60-year-old billionaire was spending his time in orbit aboard the International Space Station. Tito’s $20 million odyssey was the talk of the town as they sipped apple martinis and downed flutes of champagne.

It was all part of the annual Epicurean Evening, which benefits UCLA’s Jonsson Cancer Institute. The gourmet extravaganza was carefully prepared by the country’s top chefs, including Julian Serrano of the Bellagio Hotel in Las Vegas, Daniel Boulud of Caf Boulud in New York and Sherry Yard of Spago in Beverly Hills. A live auction featured five-star travel packages to places like Paris, London and Rome and even a silver-framed portrait of the famed civilian astronaut in his spacesuit.

Over the years, the Epicurean evening has become a favorite of foodies everywhere and has raised more than $2 million for cancer research and prevention.

The publishers of Dwell, Better Homes and Gardens, and the other slicks that foment homeowner dissatisfaction, will probably be thriving when we’re all in the poor house. Home Depot would still be doing just fine without them. Old houses need repairs, almost weekly, and every time you move, even to a rental, you feel compelled to at least change the wall color, carpet or drapes.

In the early ’70s, I bought a fixer-upper in Hidden Hills, mostly because it was the cheapest thing I could find within a good school district that had enough room and zoning for horses. I basically stole the house, but I paid dearly to every plumber, carpenter and electrician in the Valley. Having always lived in older houses, I was undaunted by the aging shake roof, the cranky plumbing and inadequate wiring. Houses age. You just deal with their maladies one by one–that is, when you have the cash.

A cursory inspection had been done prior to escrow closing, but the inspector was either blind or on the take. The water heater leaked from day one, but it was in the garage, so who knew? The shower pan leaked so badly it buckled the bathroom walls–camouflaged with dark patterned wallpaper–cracked the floor tile and rotted the subfloor and joists. The termite inspection required by law didn’t tell the whole story either. “The good news is you don’t have termites,” an inspector not involved with the listing real estate agent told me later. “The bad news is you have carpenter ants.”

The house was shaded by three fruitless mulberry trees (great for shade, but a root system from hell). They cracked the concrete patio, part of the foundation and invaded the sewage pipes. Then the electric panel blew out and almost burned the house down. My bargain bungalow turned into a cash cow for local repairmen.

When I sold it at an astonishing profit, I vowed forever to rent. I wanted to call the super when something went wrong, be able to lock the door and go away for weeks at a time without worrying about landscaping.

I rented a Malibu condo. It had a non-whitewater view of the ocean, teensy balcony, gated entry, tennis court, swimming pool and reasonably quiet neighbors. The skylights and dormer windows leaked but, oh well, not my problemo. I was stylin’.

Then my accountant told me I would be giving my capital gains to the IRS unless I bought or built something within two years. There went the carefree life.

I decided to build a new house on ranch property we had owned since 1961. I bought a 20-acre parcel of it from my kids, drilled a well, graded a driveway and designed a house that would, I vowed, have none of the failings of my previous homes.

This began a 12-month battle with the contractor over practically everything I wanted that wasn’t in the last 400 houses he built. His main concern was bringing the project in under budget and on time. Fair enough. But do all contractors have to be so condescending toward women?

Through diligence and pestering, the house turned out beautiful, functional and everything works. Well, almost everything. Six years after moving in, I’ve replaced and added many things overlooked or deemed too expensive by Mr. Build It For Less.

One of my best ideas was to build the house around a south-facing patio lined with French doors that acts as a heat sink in winter. The sun warms the glass and sinks into the tile during the day and reflects the heat back in the evening. The only problem is that it does the same thing in summer.

Suggestions from builders ranged from turning it into a screened porch to hanging heavy draperies on all the French doors. Nice try, guys. But I don’t want a solid roof blocking the winter sun, I don’t want drapes blocking the view, and I definitely don’t want to spend all that money.

Yesterday, I finished putting up a lovely piece of dark green shade cloth, purchased to order from American Horticulture Supply. I had studied the one put up by our local nurseryman and bought what I thought was all the hardware I needed: 60 screw hooks to attach the grommets, 4 eye bolts for the corners to hook to the support cables, 8 tiny U bolts for the cables, 4 hooks with turnbuckles to tighten the cables and dozens of little nuts and washers.

I spread out all the stuff and decide I can do this myself. Perhaps. Nobody said this could be assembled with simple kitchen tools. I start the holes with a hammer and an awl. This works for the little screw hooks, but not for the eye bolts–the large screw eyes split the eaves. While solving this, I discover that I am eyeball to eyeball with a large wasp that is doing something to a cute little honeycomb thing stuck under the eaves. We arrive at a truce: I don’t threaten its honeycomb thing and it doesn’t sting my eyeball. Eventually, I will renege on my end of the bargain.

After many fumbles and expletives the shade cloth is up. It is beautiful. It doesn’t even sag, though a gust of wind will sail it whimsically aloft. I rearrange the plants on the potting bench, put out the new French tablecloth and decide to spend what I saved on labor for new chair cushions. Pretty good for a woman who didn’t know a turnbuckle from a toggle bolt. All I’m out is $189, and I didn’t have to take a lot of condescending remarks from the macho builder guys.

Finally the truth is out. The California Coastal Commission is an autocratic, non-democratic, pseudo governmental agency. I, for one, never thought I would see this verity revealed in my lifetime. Ask anyone who has been compelled to appear before or offer testimony before the California Coastal Commission. It certainly behooves us all to make sure that this commission, which originally was created as a time limited group to protect the coast, becomes responsible to “we the people” by making its members elected officials. As such we would have them be responsible to a democratic process.

The abuses, clearly evident to all, which the Commission members have been practicing for years, the perks, junkets, etc., have all been beyond public correction due to the nature of the way the commission has been formulated. It may take years before this web of bureaucracy and deceit can be eliminated. In the meantime all those who are truly interested in preserving and protecting the California coast in an equitable and democratic manner should join together to bring this about. A group which can act as amicus curiae in legal matters and which can petition our state legislature should be formed. It shall take time and money for justice to be achieved.

Ron Lawrence

In many ways, Malibu reminds me of the Hamptons in Long Island, New York where I spent many of my summers. Each weekend, we would schlep from Manhattan, in traffic for sometimes three hours. Why is the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Once we were there, the drive became history. The first thing we would do is grab the local papers and see if we appeared in them. The thrill we experienced when either reading about ourselves or seeing our faces in a picture from the prior week would always be the fix and boost we needed to make that drive all the way home at the end of our weekend.

But it was the quiet, laid-back winters that were more enticing, not only because there wasn’t any traffic and the drive would take half the time, but because the people who were still around were the ones who appreciated the town all year round. It was local. It was more of a community. It was like Malibu.

With this in mind, hold your breath, as I may be writing about you, if not this time … next time.

Movers and shakers

Dot Spikings and her husband, Academy Award-winner Barry (“The Deer Hunter”) are staying in Malibu, but were forced to move from their ocean-front house due to a gas-leak fire. They will now experience a view from the canyons. Dot is thrilled to have a garden, just like in England where they are from.

Newcomers to Malibu are clothing manufacturers Kandy Horowitz and her long time beaux, Bob Loox, and their two dogs, Texy and Bubba. Already they have frequented Malibu Wine and Cheese, accessorized their home from Tops and enjoyed Malibu’s casual dining. However, the sounds of the waves are taking them some time getting used to.

Theresa DeHaas, chair of the board for Make A Wish Foundation, and her husband Duke, a bigwig lawyer, and their two daughters just returned from a three-week vacation in Europe. It was quite the experience for Duke being with three very outspoken women. He said he loved it.

And that’s not all. Mirella and Joseph Ventress (Real Estate tycoon and international attorney) are back from their overseas trip where they spent time in Indonesia, Australia and New Zealand. Now they can spend more time showing off their Millennium house. The likes of Puff Daddy and Charlize Theron … just to name a few have looked at this unique Malibu design.

Sizing up a role

Following in their footsteps are another generation of the Ventress’, Melissa and Jason Ventress, with Action Now Realty. The proud parents took baby Buckley on his first big outing where he ran into his first celebrity, Keri Russell (“Felicity”).

High tides

Fashion boutique Atlantis, recently remodeled, has a new fresh, chic look. Love your clothes Lily Harfouche. Oh, by the way, her boyfriend is Strider, a professional big wave surfer.

The view

Sighted at Granita during one of his theme evenings, Caribbean Night, was Wolfgang Puck himself, working the room, as well as Don Rickles, who never ages. Cher had her meal delivered. Why should she leave that house of hers? Speaking of Cher, birthday greetings go out to her and to all Geminis, who have a sense of duality, and who are not only versatile, but also restless, curious, lively, intelligent and eloquent.

Around town

So now that summer is here we need to know which day is good at what place and when in Malibu. Tuesdays are fun nights. Start out at Duke’s Malibu for Taco Tuesday. Then head over to the Malibu Inn to listen to the sounds of the longtime local band, Backbone. The members of this group all come from famous dads, two from the Allman Brothers. The lead singer, Chris Williams, is the son of Jerry Williams, the songwriter who has written for Eric Clapton, and Alex’s dad is Roy Orbison.

Roundup

Don’t forget about your dad. Prepare for Father’s Day, which is June 17. And … did you know that there are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year?

These past couple of weeks the battle has raged hot and heavy over the Malibu Local Coastal Plan and who’s going to get to write it. I suspect there are many of you, like myself, who are just sitting back and scratching your heads and saying to yourselves, “Frankly Scarlett, do I really give a dam?”

For as long as I can remember Malibu has been fighting about plans. The city’s residents and politicians have fought about general plans, specific plans, interim zoning plans and not so interim zoning plans. At each and every juncture one side or the other is claiming that the council plan is either the end of world or, alternatively, the savior of man. When you think about it, the City of Malibu really hasn’t built very much in the last 10 years, nor did it in the previous 10 years when the city belonged to the county. So I’m beginning to wonder whether fighting about imaginary developments is kind of Malibu’s local sport.

Malibu certainly does seem to have some real needs, but the population seems to spend all of its time, energy and budget not meeting those needs, but fighting about the plan to meet those needs. Malibu needs a community center, a teen center, a senior citizen center, a city hall, some additional community rooms, a park, a whole bunch of ball fields, some low-cost day care, and some serious monetary assistance to its schools (not the nickel and dime stuff we’re proposing). It also needs a 24-hour emergency room plus some additional commercial buildings and some moderate-cost housing so people who work here can afford to live here. None of it has happened. All Malibu citizens do is fight about plans.

I can begin to understand why the state (and this includes the governor, senate, assembly, Coastal Commission and the Regional Water Quality Control Board) thinks Malibu is full of a bunch of elitists with heads screwed on cockeyed, and is simply fed up with them and wants them gone.

As far as state legislators are concerned, Malibu can hold workshops and hearings on its LCP until everybody is terminally geriatric. In the meantime, they’re going to go ahead and write and certify Malibu’s Local Coastal Plan and get rid of the “cockeyed elitists” as quickly as they can.

The citizens of Malibu elected a council to make decisions. They should let them do it and get on with it. This permanent filibuster by a group of people who really don’t want anything but their own way is getting the city nowhere. It’s very expensive and results only in matters being taken out of Malibu’s hands.

I’ve been in and around Sacramento for many years, originally as a state Senate staffer, and the last six years as a member of the board of directors of the California Newspaper Publishers Association. I’ve lobbied lots of bills, and one thing I know with absolute certainty is, if you don’t present a unified front in Sacramento you can be assured you’re going to get killed.

Now we have the council sending up a draft local coastal plan and Frank Angel and the Malibu Township Council crowd saying to Sen. John Burton and anybody else who will listen, just ignore our elected leadership and listen to us.

Guess what. Now they’re not going to listen to either of side because to have two groups at the table singing different tunes is the same as having no one at the table.

I’m sorry to say there was a time when the Malibu Township Council, which has a long and honorable history, meant something. Now it’s sort of become the city’s Elba. It’s where defeated politicians and their geriatric apparatchiks go to scheme and try to plot their return to power, which I suspect is what this opposition to the LCP is all about. They spent years writing their own LCP and sent it to the Coastal Commission, which pronounced it DOA and promptly put it in the round file.

It’s time everybody moved on from this sort of silliness and begin to get something done. If people don’t like what the council does, let’s replace them and get a new council. But to elect a group of people to do a job and then constantly try to block them from doing that job results in nothing but stalemate. Some people in Malibu are happy with stalemate because it used to mean nothing happens. But it’s becoming apparent that the world has lost patience with Malibu.

Today, stalemate means someone else is going to decide for you.

I felt compelled to respond to Mr. Walmsley’s letter regarding the recent special event at Leo Carrillo State Park. I certainly respect Mr. Walmsley’s opinions, however I felt that it might be useful to share another perspective. The surf contest that was referenced in Mr. Walmsley’s letter was actually part of the first annual “Back to Blue Surf Fest” which was planned as a major fund raising event for the Leo Carrillo Children’s Education Center. The event was widely publicized in the local media, the Internet and local surf shops. The closure of a surf break for an organized event is certainly not without precedence. One of the most popular venues for professional and amateur contest is Lower Trestles that is part of San Onofre State Beach. This beach is used many times each year for surfing competitions. Steamer Lane in Santa Cruz is another public park that is used often for surfing competitions. With only two contests during the year, Leo Carrillo is seldom impacted by organized contests.

It has been many years since County Lifeguards operated at Leo Carrillo. Our State Lifeguards were following the spirit of the closure order when they asked Mr. Walmsley to leave the water. While recreational surfing was restricted for a portion of each day, there were plenty of other options available. The closure order listed several alternative surf breaks in the vicinity. Mr. Walmsley also questioned State Park’s authority to enact such a closure. This authority is clearly stated in the law that gives State Parks the right to establish such a closure. This authority extends 1000 feet from shore.

(Public Resources Code 5003.05)

I sensed that Mr. Walmsley was concerned with outsiders participating in the event and littering the beaches. State Parks has a global perspective and welcomes visitors from all over the world. My experience has shown that littering is a bad habit that has no geographic boundaries.

It is unfortunate that Mr. Walmsley’s day was impacted by the activity at Leo Carrillo. This was the only complaint that was registered compared with several letters of appreciation. This was a very good event that benefited a wonderful project. There was never any intent to violate Constitutional rights or compromise my ethics.

Hayden W Sohm

Malibu Sector Superintendent

The last Council meeting painted a clear picture of Malibu’s shadow government. There stood Frank Angel, attorney hired by Malibu Township Council, threatening to sue the City if it dared to write its own Local Coastal Plan. Not only that, he stated he had called John Burton, author of the bill that took away Malibu’s right to author its own LCP, and told him to ignore the City Council because they didn’t represent the City. Why? Because MTC wants the Coastal Commission to dictate our future.

In an orchestrated attack, “The Coalition for Slow Growth,” (which has about four members), Steve Uring, president of the Coastal Land Conservancy, and a score of Keller-Van Horn supporters invited MTC’s attorney to speak for them as well, and applauded when he finished. Even more shocking was Frank Basso, former president of the Point Dume HOA, agreeing that the City Council should just shut up and hand all our land use decisions over to the Coastal Commission.

So what’s going on? That’s easy. In the old days MTC had broad representation and hundreds of members who fought hard for independence, local control and Cityhood. Today, Carolyn Van Horn, Lucille Keller and their old stable of supporters control MTC and membership has dwindled. When the voters decided to oust Keller and Van Horn, these old pioneers of independence have decided if they can’t run Malibu, then no one in Malibu should. In other words, they now believe in control only if they have it.

Well, I hope MTC likes the Fat Burgers, Taco Bells and Marriots that will be popping up all over our City. And they will love the public parking that will be forced on residential areas like Point Dume. Remember, folks, Peter Douglas, director of the Coastal Commission, wrote the staff report that said the best use of Bluff Park would be an RV park. Now that the kids are being kicked off Bluff’s Park, maybe he will get his wish.And let’s not forget that the Commission sued to allow public parking at Point Dume.

If Malibu voters want a duly elected City Council instead of an appointed State Commission to determine their future, they should tell the old guard to get over not being in power. Tell them it’s time to join the rest of us in keeping what they claimed they wanted local control.

B(Name withheld because of project pending before Coastal Commission.

Name withheld on request