Special to the Malibu Times
The trouble with celebrating New Year’s Eve with someone is that all your friends assume whoever it is you choose to bring to a party, that person is your “significant other.” This, in spite of the fact your companion might be more of a “stand-in” or “fill-in” so you will not have to attend alone.
Let’s say you decide this year you just don’t want to endure the questions which inevitably follow the appearance of you with a fill-in companion. You decide to stay home instead, and ride out the changeover to the new year alone.
Or, let’s be real, let’s admit no one invited you to any parties.
So, the issue now is, how to amuse yourself. Here’s a suggested schedule, written by a bachelor who has endured one too many New Year’s Eve alone (no pity, now … )
1) It’s 7 p.m. Go to the nearest deli and order a complete meal for yourself. To hell with calorie counting, let’s go for broke. After all, this is the last meal of the Year 2000. Even order the New York cheesecake and make sure it’s really from New York, too.
2) It’s 7:30 p.m. Eat dinner when you get home. Put on an action movie that will take your mind away from the fact that, only minutes away, someone you know is having a party without you.
3) It’s 9 :00 p.m.: It is nearing midnight in New York. Turn on the TV to see how things went off in Times Square. Turn off the TV when the unruly rabble get to singing “Auld Lang Syne.”
4) It’s 9:30 p.m. Mix yourself a hot toddy, being liberal on the rum. Do not ingest any pills. Make sure all your windows are closed tightly so you won’t hear fireworks.
5) It’s 10 p.m. Pull the plug on your telephone in case those who are having parties realize they forgot to invite you and decide to call you, forcing you to decide whether to swallow your pride and schlep over on roads full of careening drunks, or stay home where you’re safe. It’s best at this point to remain mysteriously unavailable.
6) It’s 11 p.m. After your third hot toddy, take out your high school yearbook and look at the picture of ol’-what’s-their-name that went with somebody else to the prom. Put on a cassette, one of those they sell on TV commercials with all the hit tunes of the ’50s, ’60s, ’70s — pick your era. But make sure it’s the tunes that were popular when you went to high school.
Throw the yearbook into the fire. In fact, rip up all the pictures of now-banished lovers and throw those in the fire too. Clear the way for a clean slate for 2001!
7) It’s 11:30 p.m. Climb into bed. Turn on the electric blanket. Put cotton in your ears so you won’t hear the fireworks. Down one more hot toddy. One for the road, even if the road is in your bed.
If all goes well, you will wake up on the first morning of the new year groggy, but, having cast off the past, you’ll be ready to forge new relationships that won’t leave you adrift next New Year’s Eve.