Drivers drive him crazy

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    When driving through Malibu, never make a left turn. You may hit Martin Sheen and dent a fine actor. Never make a right turn. You may hit Arnold Schwarzenegger and dent your car. Never drive on the highway shoulder. You may hit Gray Davis scrounging for coins for Campaign 2006. Never drive straight through. You may hit West Hollywood, no place for straight drivers. Never drive fast if you want to see the ocean. It’s behind those big houses along the highway. Never drive erratically. You will get locked up with some of our most famous citizens.

    Pacific Coast Highway will be referred to as “Pacific Coast Dieway” if casualties continue to climb. A recent study conducted by Malibu’s newest auto recovery company, “Tow ’em and Stow ’em, Inc.,” concluded the greatest cause of auto accidents in Malibu is driver distraction. This is divided into two areas of study: internal and external. Internal distraction includes radios, cell phones, smoking, fast foods, fast companions, shaving and sponge baths. External distraction refers to traffic, road signs, scenery, rock slides, cops, celebrity spotting, bird watching and bikini gawking. One chap admitted rear ending another car while contemplating six pelicans and the occupants of three string bikinis.

    Modern gadgets on cars can lead to trouble. A recent visitor to Malibu had a new device which automatically takes you on a pre-set course. Unfortunately, he set it for north to south on PCH, not realizing that PCH runs west to east. “Tow ’em and Stow ’em” has located the car in two fathoms but a passionate octopus won’t let it go.

    Summer weekends in Malibu are a driving challenge. You should have had at least 50 hours behind the wheel with two kids and a dog in the back seat going nowhere to qualify. An ordinance to this effect will be under study by the Coastal Commission when they finish equipping a hundred new beach access ways with Andy Gumps. Finally, to quote Dean Martin, “If you drink, don’t drive, don’t even putt.”

    Bill Dowey