Blog: My Own Census

Burt Ross

Now that we have all been disheartened by the official United States Census which states unequivocally that there are more people on our City Council than live here in Malibu, I wish to divulge my own very unofficial census taken by me during a recent hallucinatory nap:

-Sixty-five percent of the people who live here list Christianity as their religion, fifteen percent Judaism, and 20 percent list their religious affiliation as surfing.

-Half the residents say they are movie producers. The same 20 percent who list surfing as their religion also list surfing as their profession.

-Ninety-two percent of Malibuites drive a car. Two percent travel on skate boards, and the remaining six percent ride their surf boards to get around..

-There are no members of the Taliban currently living in Malibu. That number has remained remarkably consistent with the prior census taken in 2010 when there were also no members of the Taliban living here.

-Almost two thirds of our residents note that they have won some kind of award in their lifetime including Oscars, Emmys, etc. I once was given an award for something by the Chamber of Commerce in Fort Lee. I think the plaque burned in the Woolsey fire.

-Forty-two percent of the people now with blond hair had brown hair in 2010.

-Seventy percent of the men (including me) had more hair on their head in 2010 than they do now.

-The average Malibu family has one and half kids and two pets. They love their pets more.

-The signs welcoming people to Malibu will continue to say we have 13,000 residents even though nobody lives here.

-Thirty-two percent of Malibuites are vegans. Sixty-two percent are vegetarians. Six percent of Malibuites (again including me) did not respond to the question because we are too embarrassed to admit we eat meat.

-Since nobody lives here, the good news is that nobody here has gotten sick in the past ten years. (I wish that were true).

-Every home in Malibu is a rehab center since we are all recovering from one thing or another.

-Eighty percent of the people in Malibu are aspiring actors, The other twenty percent actually are.

-In the 2010 census, 93% of Malbuites said that they loved this very dry climate. Today 100% of our people are praying for rain.