Welcome to Joycelyn Elder High School. We will be offering Masturbation 1A-1B for you as a freshman. We will hold rehearsal and practice sessions at lunch time and after school so you can perfect your technique. We are seriously considering co-ed competition in your junior and senior years. We are also considering college credit for those who demonstrate high levels of expertise in having sex with themselves. AP Masturbation, if you will. . . .
The centerpiece of self-described sex therapist Suzi Landolphi’s Sexplanations is everyone must learn to masturbate so you can enjoy the 2800 ways to reach orgasm without having actual sexual intercourse. This course may have been offered at Oxford when Bill Clinton was there, who knows? Suzi wants our children to have all the information whether they are ready or not (some kids are ready for sex information before others). Bill Clinton is one of our brightest intellectual minds; he has all of the sexual information as leader of the PC movement. When President Clinton laid back and prepared to become the most famous receiver of all time (and I don’t mean the NFL), all of his intelligence and information was rendered impotent. He exposed himself and his promiscuous (almost teen-age) partner to a plethora of possible diseases. The reason? He is a sexual addict.
Sending youngsters down this path of sex with oneself will insure we at Malibu High will create more sex addicts than we already have. What happened to hand holding, hugging, and a kiss on the cheek? Most, if not all, teen-age relations are mutual use. Boy uses girl for sex, girl uses sex for power in the relationship. They march off into the sunset thinking they are mutually desired, but instead, mutually deceived. Love is having a genuine caring for another’s welfare on this earth and watching out for them at all costs. One would not use one that they professed to have love for.
Where have all the heroes gone? Where have all the heroes gone? Tears of sadness come into my eyes when I ask the same question Sen. Robert Byrd asked in front of the Senate after President Clinton disclosed that he had lied to America for eight months about his sexual involvement with Monica Lewinsky. Our children are not only laughing at us, but I suspect they are contemptuous of us seeing that our only solution to teen pregnancy and STDs is a bouncing, middle-aged teen-ager telling us we must teach our children to masturbate. Surely we can do better!
Why don’t we have have classes on character, conduct, and consequences at Malibu High? There are programs out there to investigate, like “Choices,” that offer an alternative to the Landolphi method.
If some parents want this type of sex education, why can’t the assembly be held after school, on a minimum day or in the evening? This compromise would solve the problem to everyone’s satisfaction
And now back to the name changing ceremony from Malibu High School to Joycelyn Elders High School. . . . When they sing “God Bless America,” if it’s still permissible, I hope He still will.