Santa Claus is a woman, according to the Lily’s Cafe 8 a.m. coffee crowd. They hate to be the curmudgeons to defy sacred myth, but they believe he’s a she. Think about it, they assert. Christmas is an immense, orderly, warm, cuddly, womanish social event, and the surfside, cantankerous coffee fraternity has a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! To start with, the vast majority of men claim, as I bear in mind their conversation, they don’t even contemplate selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Victoria’s Secret lingerie, Craftsman socket wrench sets, and “Not Tonight, Dear” perfume left on the shelves. You might think this would send men into a fit of panic and guilt, but George Wing tells me it’s an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden. On this count alone, they are convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, the coffee group argues, if Santa were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find an under-watered Chia Pet beneath the Christmas tree, still in the original plastic 99 Cents Store bag.
Bill Pool discovered another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there in the first place. If there were a male Santa, he would have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Add to this the fact, voiced Ed Niles, that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where a Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and realign bricks in the flue. Santa-he would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Former Malibu Mayor John Harlow, asserting that he was no authority on Christmas (or on fishing), added collateral thinking on why Santa couldn’t possibly be a man:
Men can’t pack even a single bag.
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing sissy red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened having to be seen with all those elves.
Men don’t answer their Christmas mail.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a firm up-front commitment as to how the money would be spent, just as the city of Monrovia has done.
I personally believe that it most likely makes little difference what gender Santa Claus is; I just wish she would quit dressing like a guy!
And that is all I have to say (sure).
Tom Fakehany