You’ve seen the damage. You’ve begun gathering tips and telephone numbers to help you embark on a pragmatic path to recovery—from FEMA to fire insurance—but what about your psychological recovery? You may have told yourself taking time to examine your feelings would only get in the way of rebuilding your home and your life, but identifying the feelings this traumatic event has stirred up in you is the first step to genuine recovery. Let’s begin.
Shock—You may well have felt shock at the first notice of encroaching fires, message of mandatory evacuation or sight of your neighborhood.
Denial—You may lapse into states of denial—pretending to yourself that you’re fine. It’s the way the mind protects itself, by processing the impact a little at a time.
Overwhelm—You undoubtedly were glued to the TV while the fire was raging, hoping to get a glimpse of your home, yet fearful that the next shot of a home engulfed in flames would be yours. After being evacuated, in suspended animation, you may still feel in limbo, paralyzed by the overwhelming task of putting your life back together.
Helplessness—Whether you were standing by your burning house with a garden hose, or watching the fire on TV, you likely felt helpless in the face of Mother Nature.
Anxiety—Although you may know the extent of the damage, you may be anxious about how you’re going to get through the next phase—whether you’ve lost your home, your neighborhood or your routine—and the bureaucratic red tape seems daunting.
Sadness—Any loss brings on feelings of sadness, an existential loneliness and a longing for how things once were. You may feel sad about the loss of tangible things or the sense of security you once had.
Misunderstood—You may be feeling misunderstood by those who offer platitudes like, “You can rebuild.” Although you may be able to rebuild the walls and roof of your dream home, there are irreplaceable items—memories of a lifetime that are forever lost and can’t simply reappear like in a cartoon.
Resentment—You may resent people who say, “Everyone in Malibu is a rich celebrity, so the fire won’t be a big deal for them.” Indeed, these are people whose schadenfreude is showing—their jealousy over the Malibu lifestyle makes them take pleasure in our pain.
Anger—It’s natural to feel frustrated and angry about this tragedy and want to blame others (such as: for there not being enough fire engines) or yourself (such as: for not having gotten the dead palm tree fronds trimmed).
Financial insecurity—It’s not only the loss of property that may be causing you financial insecurity, but also the work days and opportunities you may have lost by being evacuated or being unable to concentrate on work.
Survivor guilt—If your house didn’t burn, and your neighbor’s house did, you may well experience survivor guilt.
Now what?
• If one or more of these feelings are causing problems in your life and aren’t subsiding, you may need professional counseling. You’re susceptible to developing PTSD if you didn’t evacuate, or the fire triggered memories of similar situations, such as past fires, or even 9/11. Unremitting sadness or hopelessness may be a symptom of major depression.
• If you’re suffering from survivor guilt, the best way to feel better is to donate your time, money or talents to those Malibuites who were less fortunate.
• Be aware that stress and loss wreak havoc on your immune system, making you more vulnerable to everything from colds to cancer. So, be extra kind to your body: Eat healthy food, take vitamins, get enough sleep and exercise.
• Take “mental health days” to relax and take your mind off your worries. Meditate. Get a massage. Have dinner with friends. Take a walk on the beach—the ebb and flow of the waves will remind you that life will go on.
• Social support is key. This is your golden opportunity to get to know your neighbors beyond waving at them as you pull into your driveway.
• Deepen spiritual ties. You probably saw the cell phone video taken by the woman who drove through fire on Kanan, saying, “God, please help me!” It’s a profound reminder of our need to connect to God or a higher power.
• Become an activist. You can change your home so it’s safer from fire and change the status quo so there are more fire resources.
• This is the perfect time to start a gratitude journal, since you’re more aware of the many people and things that matter to you. Most of all, you can be grateful for the fire sparing your life and the lives of your loved ones and pets.
• Reframe the situation. Instead of focusing on your losses, think of it as the universe having a better plan for you than the course you were on. You may eventually come to realize that something good happened as a serendipitous result.