Blog: Finding a Mate

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Burt Ross

A friend of mine — a widow of a few years — called me the other day and asked if I could help her find a husband. Even though she lives on the East Coast and I live here, I, of course, volunteered to help. By this time in my life, I should have known better, but to reverse the gender in a song from “Oklahoma,” “I’m just a guy who can’t say ‘no.'”

Naturally, I asked her what kind of man she was looking for. She did not hesitate with her response: “Somebody rich — very rich.” (Had she said “filthy rich,” Donald Trump would have come to mind.) I can appreciate that my friend would like to quit her job and relax after 40 years of working, but I was taken aback by her putting “rich” at the top of her list, especially since she considers herself evangelical.

She moved right on. “And he can’t be more than 70, and I don’t want anybody with a cane,” she insisted. Thank heavens I am happily married, because I would be disqualified on two counts: I am older than 70 and occasionally use trekking sticks to get around. 

My friend was on a roll, but I never expected what came next.

“And I want a man with ED,” she announced unabashedly.

“Come again?” I said, not sure I had heard her right.

“Yes, I want a man with erectile dysfunction,” she proclaimed as if this were no more unusual than asking for money at an ATM machine.

Curiosity got the better of me, and so I ventured forth where angels fear to tread, “Why would you possibly want a man with … ,”

” … erectile dysfunction,” she finished after I hesitated. “I don’t want anybody to see me naked anymore. I am in my 60s and I don’t look the way I did when I was 20.”

I tried to reason with my friend who was hell bent on the unreasonable.

“I don’t think most men in their 60s want a woman who looks like their granddaughter,” I explained. My sagacity was obviously wasted on my friend.

“No shared bedrooms,” she insisted. “We will have to live in separate quarters.”

I wished my friend happy hunting in pursuit of this not-to-be arrangement. I assured her that were I to find the right match, I would call her right away, but not to hold her breath. I think I have finally learned my lesson and am out of the match making business once and for all.