Blog: London Britches Falling Down

Burt Ross

My life as I knew it came to an abrupt end a few days ago when my constant companion of the past seven years died suddenly. I am referring to my iPhone. No matter how hard I tried to resuscitate it, this all purpose gadget had expired. I no longer could communicate with anybody, read a menu with the iPhone flashlight, and I actually had to walk outside to figure out what the weather was rather than simply look at my iPhone.

So off to the Apple Store I traipsed. A knowledgeable saleslady tried to explain the advantages and the disadvantages of the various phones and their accessories. I heard words that sounded like megabytes and gigabytes, but she could have been speaking a foreign language as far as I was concerned. All I know is that I left that store with my net worth significantly reduced. The cost of that one phone equalled the cost of my first year in college.

I will now spend the better part of my remaining days on Earth trying to figure out how to use this contraption. By the time I begin to understand its features, it will be replaced by a new model iPhone which I hear will among others things help you prepare pasta.

There is one significant problem with my new iPhone. It weighs a few ounces more than my old one. That may not sound like a big deal to you, but when you see me, you will understand my dilemma. I like to wear loose fitting sweat pants. To be more precise, I almost always wear loose fitting sweat pants. I know I should be more fashion conscious, but comfort outweighs fashion any time, or at least for me.

Now here is my problem.  When I put my iPhone in my left pants pocket which is my custom, the left side of my pants slides down, and if I try putting my iPhone in my right pants pocket, the right side of my pants slides down. If I put my iPhone in my rear pocket, way too much derriere shows. In other words, my iPhone is weighing me down.

I am now confronted with a terrible choice—either I give up the iPhone altogether after spending a fortune on it, or I spend the rest of my days pulling up my pants. And so if you see me pulling up my britches, you will understand that my iPhone is resting comfortably within.