Scaling down Malibu


    Winter is the season in which Malibuites try to keep their home temperatures as warm as the temperature was during the summer, when they complained about the heat. Skimming the newspaper I read about the brutally frigid weather on the right coast of the United States over the last several weeks. I was thus prompted to recall the Malibuite Optical Temperature Gradient. This scale was devised by the Lilly’s Caf 8:00 coffee group and visitors under the tutelage of Coach Cliff “tough it out” Hirsch. It allows Malibuites to optically estimate the temperature. While I personally have not verified the MOTG’s accuracy or credits, I recall Cliff saying that it goes something like this.

    Degrees Fahrenheit:

    * 85-90: Annual Malibu Kiwanis Chili Cook-off (discourse by Paul Grisante)

    * 65-85: Malibu Chamber of Commerce weather (Mark Ball)

    * 65: Malibuites put on sweaters (if they can find one) (Tina Peoples)

    * 60: Malibu residents turn on their heat (Demetri Wood)

    * 50-55: Malibu Little League Parade (Dermont Stoker)

    * 45: Malibuites turn off heat in swimming pools (Lou Drobnick)

    * 35: Italian cars don’t start (Joe Cosentino)

    * 32: Real water freezes (a George Wing exclusive)

    * 30: Malibuites plan excursions to the Sahara Desert (Lynda Marsolek)

    * 25: Malibu Creek wastewater and mud freezes (an Ed Niles liturgy)

    * 23: Malibu residents fuss loudly about the weather (Libby St. Henri)

    * 21: Tourists swim unclothed in ocean waters (Frank Miller)

    * 20: Malibu politicians begin to talk about the homeless (Al Carson)

    * 19: Zuma Travel offers “discount summer vacation packages” (Marjorie Hollenrake)

    * 15: French cars don’t start (Olivia Thornton)

    * 12: Malibu pets demand to sleep in your bed (a Doug O’Brien observance)

    * 10: Malibu City Council does something about the homeless (Martin Sheen)

    * 5: American cars don’t start (Ron Merriman)

    * 0: East coast tourists put on T-shirts (John Payne)

    * -5: German cars don’t start (Tim Wilhelm)

    * -10: Malibu household pets demand to sleep in your pajamas (Bob Wittham)

    * -15: Japanese cars don’t start (Charlie Hayashita)

    * -20: Super Bowl travel packages offer hot cocoa at the game (Eric Greenberg)

    * -25: Washington D. C. congressional hot air freezes (a Ray Voge observation)

    * -30: Tourists close bathroom windows at the Casa Malibu (Dr. Lou Bonann)

    * -35: Hell freezes over and Mark “The Lion” Herron finally gets the girl.

    Tom Fakehany