Psssssst. Your are not suppose to be reading this Why? Because I am not suppose to be writing it. According to Malibu Planning Commissioners Ruggles and Kabrin, I committed a big no-no by writing a letter to the editor informing you that the Planning Commission had deep-sixed red tile roofs and white painted walls in the Malibu Hillside Ordinance areas. So, if anyone asks you what you’re doing right now, tell them that you are reading Martha Stewart’s latest rum ball recipe.
Every time I try to explain that the founding Fathers in their infinite wisdom wrote the First Amendment, guaranteeing my right to write, I am gaveled down or told I may not speak on the subject, kind of funny huh? I get the feeling that they want to keep what is going on with the Hillside Ordinance kind of quiet.
What several of the planning commission members got really excited about was the letter to Father Serra suggesting he take his mission business elsewhere because his missions have red tile roofs and white walls. If you think that was a knee-slapper, wait till you hear this one: Under the lighting element of the Hillside Ordinance, as passed by the Planning Commission, outdoor lighting is to be “down-directed, low wattage and limited in application.” That’s right, your pet petunia will have to say out in the dark all by its lonesome because the ordinance does not allow up-lighting. I called the Malibu Lights Corporation and suggested that now that their up-lights are banned in the Hillside Ordinance area of Malibu, they might want to change their name from Malibu Lights to maybe Oxnard Lights. In Oxnard, up-lights are approved for all uses, including petunias. The company stated that they did not take the issue lightly, henceforth, they would be willing to ship their up-lights to Malibu in plain unmarked wrappers. I told them that their pun was real punishment, but their packaging offer was considerate.
I thought about using someone else’s name in signing this letter, which seems to be the fashion in Malibu, however, I used code for the sake of my pet petunia, who is presently in therapy for fear of being left alone in the dark.
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