A state lawmaker who introduced a bill to ban spanking has backed off from that position offering a modified version that would criminalize hitting with a closed fist or other object or striking a child younger than 3 in the head or face, or vigorously shaking a baby or toddler.
Most of us thought such behavior was already against the law. In our sometimes misguided efforts to curb child abuse, we years ago stripped teachers and principals of their paddles and rulers leaving them few methods to control unruly youngsters and maintain classroom discipline.
Parents who felt their darlings were unfairly punished challenged teachers and then later had to deal with defiant teens who sneered at teachers, “You can’t touch me. My mom will have you fired.”
There has always been a fine line between strict discipline and abuse. But a well-deserved swat on the bottom never damaged a child’s psyche as much as the understanding they couldn’t be held accountable for their behavior. Somewhere in the process of growing up they have to learn that their actions provoke predictable reactions from both adults and playmates. Along the way, with any luck at all, they learn self-control.
Do some parents abuse their authority? Sure. But laws against physical abuse often drive it underground where badly abused children are threatened with worse harm if they tell. Solving the root of these problems has so far eluded us. But criminalizing an occasional whack on the rear won’t do it.
Reasoning with an obstinate 2-year-old who has run into the street is unlikely to protect him from being hit by a car. Teaching them the only safe response to the command, Stop, is to come to a screeching halt. With toddlers, this often requires a quick physical move.
When my son was three, a spanking actually saved his life. We had been at a horse show the week before and he was playing in the barn aisle when a frightened horse started to run backwards. My husband yelled, “Bobby, come here!” As 3-year-olds will do, he just sat there. In one move, he was scooped up, spanked and told, “When I say, ‘Come here,’ you do it. Instantly.” I’m sure some spectators, not understanding the danger, thought this an overreaction. Under the proposed law, he could have been jailed.
Back home, a week later, Bobby was toddling across the driveway to get a drink of water while his dad watched from the tack room door. I was on a horse in the arena and could see what they could not. Four broodmares had somehow gotten out of their pasture and were spooked and running wildly up the narrow road. I yelled, “Get Bobby!” No time for explanations. His dad yelled, “Bobby, come here!” and, no doubt remembering the spanking, he turned and ran immediately to his dad, the horses missing him by only a few feet. A slight hesitation would have meant disaster.
My nanny never spanked me, deferring to Mother who thought of funny and often diabolical punishments. We children ate meals alone in the breakfast room. When my sister went through a stage of threatening to throw up if she didn’t like the food, Mother told Nanny to serve her in the adjacent powder room. A splendid solution.
The only time I was hit, my big sister and I had a row. Actually she was beating my head on the windowsill over some perceived transgression. I screamed, Nanny panicked. I was called into Mother’s dressing room. Believing Judy’s version of events, she ordered me to apologize. Outraged by the injustice, I stamped my tiny foot and shrieked, No! Before the offending syllable left my lips I was upside down on Mother’s lap being spanked with her silver-backed hairbrush. I don’t think it hurt, but the surprise factor made a lasting impression. For weeks afterward, I would line up my dolls, put them on my lap one by one and swat their plastic behinds saying, “You dare to say no to your mother!”
Should Mother have taken the trouble to get the true story out of us? Probably. But trying to pry the truth out of children can have its own complications. I confessed to several things I hadn’t done just to get the whole thing over with.
I asked my kids what they remembered about childhood crime and punishment. They said the threat of the principal’s paddle was enough and they thought kids learned better in orderly classrooms where teachers had respect. They don’t remember being spanked but they were afraid to disobey their father. Misbehavior in public was met with a quick flick of his middle finger to the temple, a maneuver designed to startle more than hurt. It created no scene and onlookers never knew why everyone suddenly got quiet.
I’m glad the proposed ban on spanking has been revised. Parents could use more leeway in working out creative solutions to discipline. What they don’t need is jail time with their kids in foster care.