Back in July, my dear friends and neighbors down the street, Jane and Phil Bellomy, took my bride and me to the opera “Tosca” at the Hollywood Bowl — you know, one of those operas where by the end almost all the characters are dead as doornails. You pretty much know when the performance has ended because there is nobody left on the stage to perform.
On our return trip to Malibu, we asked each other where John Adams might live (not the second President of these United States, but rather the composer of modern opera). I don’t know why we cared where Mr. Adams lives, but it’s the kind of thing you might talk about when you have just seen an entire cast die in Act III. Jane immediately pulled out her so-called smart phone and had a long and painful exchange with Siri.
It went something like this: “Siri, where does the opera composer John Adams live?” Siri’s response was rapid but not exactly informative, “I do not understand the question.” Jane raised her volume considerably and repeated the question, and naturally got the identical answer. She tried rephrasing the question, but no matter how she worded it, Siri was in no mood to inform my friend. Siri offered information on President Adams, or on any two words that remotely sounded like “John Adams.” She gave information on Adam’s apple, on many people whose first names were John, and even Adam and Eve.
Jane did not find this exchange remotely helpful, and was starting to be upset with her constant companion. She made it perfectly clear that Siri was not cooperating and finally attacked Siri personally.
“Siri,” Jane said, “you are very stupid.”
Siri did not take the insult sitting down.
“I am not stupid. Why are you mad at me? I am not human,” this voice in a phone retorted. At this point the four of us were all laughing uncontrollably, but Siri did not join us for the laugh.
No more than a moment passed before I needed to know how old Jon Voight is. Please do not try to understand how my mind works, since I don’t have a clue. Why I jumped from John Adams to Jon Voight is anybody’s guess.
Jane and Phil reached for their smart phones simultaneously, so apparently they had not entirely given up on Siri. In as perfect unison as any of the duets we had just listened to, Phil and Jane both asked Siri, “How old is the actor Jon Voight.”
Not a moment passed before she replied, “The actor Jon Voight is 77 years old.”
Siri was back in their good graces, and all was well with the world again.