[April 2 editor’s note: This article is fictitious. Wal-Mart is not coming to Malibu, nor has it purchased the La Paz property.]
A representative for Wal-Mart Stores, Inc. announced Monday that the Bentonville, Ark.-based retail giant had purchased the Civic Center land known as the La Paz property with the intent of building a Wal-Mart Supercenter in Malibu’s main shopping area.
Wal-Mart inherits the La Paz owners’ approved Coastal Development Permit for construction of 112,058 square feet of retail uses. The announcement came just hours before that CDP was up for a four-year renewal before the Malibu Planning Commission, leading to speculation the multi-national corporation could flex its considerable muscle to win approval for an even larger structure.
“We feel Malibu is a perfect example of a community that has been underserved by national companies with access to greater economies of scale,” Denny Dewey, an attorney with the Beverly Hills firm Dewey, Cheatam and How, which represents Wal-Mart, told The Malibu Times. “Eighty-dollar T-shirts? Get ready for 12 bucks and all the cheap underwear you can stuff in your closet.”
Dewey would not reveal how much the property sold for, other than to say that by Wal-Mart’s standards they “got it for a song.”
The announcement set off mass protests, intermittent gunplay and uncouth language among Malibu locals opposed to national retailers.
“We spent all this time opposing chains, and now they come in with this [junk]?” said one woman, who spoke to The Malibu Times while retrieving the shoe she had just lobbed at the window of Chipotle. “Talk about a slap in the face.”
Another man caused a stir when he chained himself to the front entrance to Malibu City Hall after hearing the news. Sheriff’s deputies eventually arrested the man, but not before Caltrans had to be called in to cut off one of the doors with its “Jaws of Life” tool usually used for car accidents. Damages were estimated at $300.
At least one bystander was nonplussed by the outrage.
“Now I can get affordable tooth paste and sunscreen,” the man said. “Do you have any idea how expensive it is to be Irish in Malibu?”
Dewey anticipated construction on the supercenter to begin June 1, should everything go to plan, and aimed for a Jan. 1, 2014 opening. He promised an extravagant opening-week sale of half-off all products in the outdoor section, in anticipation of hordes of rowdy campers making their way to Charmlee Wilderness park in the near future.
“We project outstanding demand for our Dura-Flame logs, propane stoves, propane-powered lanterns, Bic lighters and lighter fluid,” Dewey said. “All made cost-effectively and time-efficiently in China. And when Fourth of July rolls around, you know where to go for fireworks.”
