Blog: Losing Weight

Burt Ross

Ever since I returned to Malibu a month ago from watching grizzly bears gorge themselves on salmon in Canada, I have been having nightmares. I wake up thinking I have consumed so much food I have become as fat as a bear and will need to hibernate for at least five months.

My old tricks at controlling my weight have not been working. Each morning I suck my gut in all the way, exhale and hold my breath before stepping onto the scale. The scale has unfortunately not been fooled by my shenanigans — I am gaining weight.

I need to do something, but what? Somebody suggested I eat beans at every meal. Apparently this new fad diet is making the rounds. I tried it for three days, gained three pounds and my stomach made noises a human stomach should not make.

Alas, I returned to the old reliable no carb diet, and, sure enough, I lost 10 pounds in three weeks. The only problem with a no carb diet is that practically everything I enjoy is a carb. If you think I am exaggerating, try this — wine, bread, cereals, pasta and even fruit are carbs. Did you hear me? Even a lousy piece of melon is a carb. What is this world coming to?

I might as well skip breakfast altogether. Yes, I can have coffee with my bacon and eggs, but try doing that every morning. I know I can have eggs over-easy, sunny side up, poached, etc., but they are still eggs. I can’t have a bagel with those eggs and don’t even think about pancakes. I know I can have all the green vegetables I want, but the only vegetables I like are corn, potatoes and rice, which all happen to be taboo. I don’t see eye-to-eye on everything with the first President Bush, but he was “right on” when he rejected broccoli out of hand (and out of mouth also).

So what am I left with to eat? I can eat all the salmon I want, but isn’t that what started my nightmares in the first place?