Recently, Caltrans released a long-awaited feasibility study that said for a mere $60 million, it was feasible to build a wildlife bridge over the 101 Freeway so that the animals — primarily the big cats — wouldn’t get killed trying to cross the freeway. Biologists were worried that there was insufficient biological diversity in the big cat population and, ultimately, they would die off unless something was done, like building the wildlife overpass.
A few years back, I had met K-27, a mountain lion, when I did a story about the mountains and, over the years, we had stayed in touch. Frankly, I wanted to bring K-27 the good news that the governmental biologists were prepare to spend $60 million to enhance his sex life, and I thought he’d be overjoyed. I met him on the Valley side and, surprisingly, he didn’t seem particularly overjoyed.
Me: I don’t understand, K-27. I thought you would be overjoyed.
K-27: First, do me a favor. Don’t call me K-27. Call me by my real name: Barney.
Me: Why did they change your name?
K-27/Barney:Well, the biologists didn’t think “Barney” sounded scientific enough, which made it tough to get grant money. So I said OK, I’ll be a good team player, although I must admit, I wasn’t overjoyed.
Me:But Barney, you’re still going to get to all these females in the Santa Monica Mountains and Malibu.
K-27/Barney:Well, it’s not always as good as you think it’s going to be. Actually, I’ve been in Malibu a couple of times. Damn near got killed getting over the freeway. So what happens? Met a young female whom, frankly, I thought was kind of stuck up. She wanted to know where I wintered? I told her it’s the same place I summered and that ended the relationship. I decided to stick to Valley girls.
Me:I know it doesn’t always work out, but they are seriously interested in your breeding.
K-27/Barney:Let me tell you — that’s not such a great thing. They put a collar on you and a chip inside so they know where you are, how often you’re doing it and with whom. Now I’m not crazy about it, but I can live with it, but some can’t. Did you hear about K-35?
Me: No, what happened?
K-27/Barney:K-35 was a friend of mine. His name was Herman. Herman started to get obsessed that those scrawny biologists were constantly watching him. He figured they were measuring his performance and comparing him to all the other big cats. He was convinced that they interview all the ladies afterward to evaluate how well he had done. We couldn’t talk him out of it.
Me:That must have really cut into his love life.
K-27/Barney:You have no idea. Herman was convinced that they were comparing him to K-214, a mountain lion in Simi named Butch. Now we all knew that when it came to females, Butch was absolutely an animal. Heck, they caught him once trying to mount a Volkswagen. Sadly, Herman was obsessed and well, you know, nothing.
Me:You mean … ?
K-27/Barney: Yep, the biologists had turned Herman into a noodle.
Me:Herman had ED!
K-27/Barney:Major ED. Tried everything. All the stuff they advertise on late night TV. He just got more and more depressed. Finally, one night, he was run over while crossing the 101. The official verdict was “accidental due to a lack of a wildlife bridge.” Most of us felt differently — that Herman just finally decided to end it and walked into an 18-wheeler. The irony of it all is that later we found out the Butch was gay.
Me:Yes, but they still need some diversity.
K-27/Barney:And you can get it without spending $60 million.
Me:So, what’s the answer?
K-27/Barney:It’s simple: CABO.
Me:CABO?
K-27/Barney:Sure. You get a few of the guys together and a bunch of the girls and you fly us down to Cabo. Not in one of those big commercial jets, but one of those fancy little private jobs.
Me: You mean a Gulfstream.
K-27/Barney:Yeah, a long weekend in Cabo. Hot days, cool nights. A few margaritas and we’ll give you all the diversity you can handle. Besides, it’s got to be a heck of a lot cheaper than $60 million.