My kids keep their houses reasonably presentable with little effort and seemingly little thought. So I was astonished to find my daughter reading “Talking Dirty with the Queen of Clean,” Linda Cobb’s breezy manual on how to rid your home of everything from cockroaches to hairballs.
I’m from the old school, the one that says you can handle most anything with baking soda, vinegar, club soda or lemon juice. And maybe something with enzymes for pet stains. Cobb recommends these old standbys, adds clear ammonia (sans soap), borax and hydrogen peroxide, and lists a few slightly bizarre uses for some modern brand name products.
I’m always interested in new ways to control pests without using insecticides, so I looked up the chapter titled “Bug Out-User-Friendly Pest Control.”
A substitute for insect repellent is plain old white vinegar applied to skin with a cotton ball. Much cheaper than my current favorite, Burt’s Bees Lemongrass Insect Lotion.
Cobb cautions that if you must use insect spray containing DEET, spray it on clothes instead of directly on the skin.
Full strength white vinegar also will discourage ants if wiped on counters, doors and windowsills. I’ve been using Avon’s Skin So Soft full strength in this way. If you feel compelled to actually kill ants, Cobb suggests pouring 3 gallons of boiling water down the anthill (if you can find it and it’s not too close to flowers). She adds: “Another way to kill ants is to mix a combination of 50 percent borax and 50 percent confectioner’s sugar. Place this on cardboard or a piece of board near the anthill. Ants are attracted to the sugar and carry the fatal mixture back to the nest to feed the queen.” (Do not place where children or pets may ingest it.)
Scientists have convinced me that our profligate use of antibiotic and antimicrobial products in an effort to kill all germs is probably going to kill us instead. Most germs are good, and exposure to them is essential to develop a healthy immune system. Chlorine is not so good–for the environment and us–whether used as bleach (lemon juice is better) or to kill bacteria. When it goes down the drain it kills the essential bacteria in your septic tank. And finding liquid hand soap without antibiotics these days is a challenge. Veterinarians used to use tincture of green soap, but I doubt you could find it these days, having been replaced by betadyne solution. If you must disinfect something, Cobb says mix 4 parts baking soda and 1 part borax. Store in a shaker container and use as you would any scouring powder.
Instead of using aerosol deodorizers, which mostly just cover up odors with fragrance (some as off-putting as the one you’re trying to mask), try charcoal, the kind sold for fish tanks, dry fresh coffee grounds, baking soda, dryer fabric softener sheets or wintergreen oil. If you still feel compelled to spray something, mix in a gallon jug: 1 cup baking soda, 1/4 cup clear ammonia and 1 tablespoon scented oil (your choice) with 16 cups warm water. Label and store. When needed, shake and pour into a spray bottle and mist the air to your heart’s content.
One of the brand name products Cobb recommends is Odorzout, a 100 percent natural blend of zeolite minerals safe even for cat litter boxes.
Over the years, our dogs have had many altercations with skunks, probably the most persistent noxious odor in nature. Bathing Old Blue just doesn’t cut it. Until now, the most effective remedy was to stick the dog in a large tub, saturate his hair coat with tomato juice and let it stay on for as long as you can restrain him. My Queensland heeler, whose idea of bathing was to jump in a water trough, once escaped mid-shampoo, streaking through the barnyard spraying tomato juice on the cats and leaving me looking like I’d just committed an ax murder. Now Ms. Clean Queen tells us this was all for naught. Ditch the tomato juice and instead douse the dog with a popular feminine hygiene product. (She includes the brand name–I won’t.) Do not rinse. Whew! Who would have guessed?
Talking Dirty with the Queen of Clean, Pocket Books