Audrey Kahane
College Corner-off to college-for parents
Before taking her son to college last year, a mother wrote little notes of encouragement. In his dorm room, as she unpacked his clothes, she hid the notes in the pockets of jackets and jeans, along with small amounts of cash, so he could treat himself to something fun. She left campus knowing that her tokens of affection would brighten his day. As she and her husband drove off, she opened her purse and found a note from her son. She cried all the way home.
A child’s leaving for college is a major transition for the whole family. Everyone has conflicting feelings. You may feel both happy and anxious for your child, as well as a sense of loss and freedom for yourself. Your child may feel excited and scared at the thought of leaving home.
Tempers can flare as students are getting ready to head off to college. Sometimes being angry makes it easier for children to leave and for parents to let them go.
While parents are dealing with their own emotions around this major event, they also have to help their children prepare for their new lives. In these last weeks of summer, relaxing curfews and giving children more freedom lets them know that you have confidence in their ability to manage their lives. The more they take responsibility now, the better prepared they’ll be to make good decisions at college.
The week before departure date, many families go into major shopping mode. Remember that dorm rooms are shared and space is limited. Students can coordinate with their new roommates and decide who will bring big items like a refrigerator and television. Freshmen often arrive on campus a week before classes start. They’ll have time to buy whatever else they need.
If you’re planning to buy your child a computer, it might really make sense to wait. Many colleges have negotiated deals with companies and offer laptops at great prices. Students need to follow the school’s instructions about anti-virus programs, firewalls and anti-spyware programs. Computers on college networks are constantly being probed and under attack. My niece’s computer got so corrupted, it quit working, and her dad had to format the disk and reload all her software.
At move-in, the student sets the tone. Your child may or may not want you to help with unpacking. Students are often eager to say good-by and be on their own. Most colleges design programs to fill the void for parents.
Even with e-mail and instant messaging, students like getting mail. A box of favorite, homemade cookies can make your child’s day. Having food to share is also a way for a shy student to meet everyone on the hall.
In phone calls, don’t be surprised if your child is desperate for advice one day, and the next day doesn’t want you barging in on her life. College may be the best experience and totally miserable. Don’t let her rapidly changing emotions throw you.
Even students who seem to be thriving there are likely to feel homesick at some point. It may take a couple months for the novelty of meeting so many new people and being free from parental restrictions to wear off. Midterms and papers are suddenly looming and students can feel overwhelmed and lonely.
As a parent, how can you not want to make it all better? But it’s important to communicate that you have confidence in your child’s ability to solve problems. If a student is having trouble with a history paper, it’s okay to encourage him to talk to the professor or go to the writing center. It’s not okay for you to call the professor.
There may be some bumps along the way, but chances are your child will adjust well to life at college. For now, take a moment to congratulate yourself. Getting a child off to college is no small accomplishment.
Audrey Kahane, M.S., is an independent college admissions counselor in West Hills. She can be reached at 818.704.7545 or via the Internet at audreykahane@earthlink.net.