I was very moved to see so many well-written and heartfelt letters to the editor in response to Arnold’s comments in his Sept. 21 editorial regarding the Kavanaugh nomination. The letters reflect a level of openness, awareness and sensitivity that is, only now, being so articulately communicated as relationships between boys and girls, men and women evolve. It’s about time!
I write this as someone who grew to womanhood in a time when “boys will be boys” was the common excuse for male adolescent bad behavior, ranging from simple silliness to bullying, harassment and worse. But even more appalling was (and still is) the fact that “boys will be boys” was (and still is) being used as an excuse for bad behavior by adult men.
Another prevailing belief during those days was that the commonly held conviction that if there was “trouble,” it was the girl’s fault—she was responsible because she was too flirtatious, too easy, too immodest, too naïve, too ambitious, a tease or just a plain slut…
So, is it surprising that we learned, at an early age, to just shut up?
Some of us were quiet because we accepted this as true—blaming ourselves, taking responsibility on ourselves and suffering in silence. Some of us were quiet for fear we would be punished, harassed, labeled, demoted, fired or otherwise penalized. And some of us were quiet because we knew there was no gain, only pain, in sharing an ugly truth with those who should have protected us and/or those who should have defended us.
But the paradigm is shifting. The time has come: bad behavior has real consequences and women are no longer required to tolerate unwanted sexual behavior in exchange for acceptance, popularity, approval, promotion, job security, grades… Silence is no longer necessary and not even an option.
Was Arnold entirely wrong in his reference to his own teen years, recalling those hormone-driven, awkward times when everyone, boys and girls, was trying to figure out who they were, who they want to be, and what they want and don’t want from each other. Are some teen girls nasty and bullying? Are some teen boys overly aggressive and abusive? Do some young adults experiment with alcohol, drugs and one another? Yes. Yes. And yes.
Why are we so hesitant to acknowledge this? Do we really believe that teens are only miniature adults? Of course not. Human beings may appear to be born helpless, but we have within us the chemistry and instinctual potential to assure our survival as a species. We were also born with intelligence, empathy, compassion and the instinct to learn. But these can only be developed when we harness intelligence and compassion to our instincts by teaching, engaging civilly, communicating effectively, reasoning and prompting a true understanding of the consequences of one’s actions and how these actions have harmed, and have the potential to harm, others.
So, this is our challenge. To accept our biology and our humanity. To create awareness where we see ignorance, injury and injustice. To speak and to act. And to do so with the compassion and respect that we, as women, are only now beginning to enjoy.
P.S. For those who question Arnold’s qualifications as a highly evolved 21st century man, I would like you to know that he is, and has always been, a most loving, respectful, sensitive and supportive husband, father, partner and friend. He is, and always has been “the wind beneath my wings.”