Breaking News: Wow! Nature Sure is Somethin’

Malibu Meg

Editor’s note: April Fool’s!

While locals have doubtlessly read stories of mountain goats munching grass in Welsh village greens and (now-debunked) tales of dolphins swimming freely in Venetian canals, Malibu has itself begun to see signs of nature taking over while the city shelters at home during the novel coronavirus pandemic.

From the Malibu Lagoon to Escondido Falls and everywhere in between, Malibu’s treasured wildlife is making a comeback.

On Monday, March 30, there came the first sightings of a Loch Ness-type monster to appear in the Malibu Lagoon in several decades. Called “Malibu Meg,” the giant, scaly sea creature has not been documented since the time of the Roosevelt Highway’s construction in the 1950s, and was thought to have been driven to full extinction with the controversial 2012 lagoon restoration project.

As of this week, Malibu Meg can be seen placidly munching on the ample supply of snowy plovers, which have also made a remarkable comeback since the restoration of the lagoon.

Residents are advised to steer clear of the horrifying creature from the black depths of the lagoon, although state parks officials point out that anyone disobeying the beach closures “most likely has it coming to them,” were they to cross paths with Meg.

Meanwhile, the Malibu Country Mart is host to mountain lions once again enjoying their natural habitat. As if in a scene from the old Malibu Ranchero days, mountain lions can be seen window shopping at James Perse, dining in the picnic area outside John’s Garden and sipping cocoa at the Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf. The area, lately used almost exclusively by humans, was once part of the habitat of the now-nearly-extinct pumas, but only a few weeks of human absence appears to have sparked their return.

“Mountain lions are great tippers,” a cashier at one restaurant (which did not wish to be named) admitted. “They are also great social distancers, so we actually feel way more safe with this new type of clientele than the humans—who aren’t always obeying social distancing. Some humans still tip just 10 or 15 percent, if you can believe that.”

Over at Escondido Falls, the thought-to-be mythic Greek water deity Charybdis has reportedly now fully emerged from behind the falls for the first time in nearly 1,000 years. Charybdis, daughter of Poseidon, has created a vortex of terror at the base of the falls and can be heard howling in rage from as far away as Rancho del Cielo, although some have reported echos of her deathly screech were heard at Geoffrey’s on Wednesday morning.

When reached for comment, members of Malibu Search and Rescue Team said they would continue to respond to an unceasing deluge of rescue calls amid the teeming whirlpool that threatened at any moment to drag them to Hades, but respectfully requested visitors obey orders to avoid hiking trails amid COVID-19 to help protect the rescue team.

Finally, the South Coast Air Quality District has reported air so sparklingly, crystal clear (due to a decline in vehicular traffic and fossil fuel burning) that Hawaii and Japan are once again visible from the Malibu coast. 

Although Realtors for years have assured prospective homebuyers in Malibu that, “on a clear day, you can see the islands from your back deck,” due to air quality issues, this has not always been the case. Now, anyone with an unobstructed sea view in eastern Malibu once again may enjoy hula performances on the beaches of the eastern shore of the “Big Island,” just as their parents and grandparents did in the days of old Malibu in the 1950s and ’60s. Residents in Western Malibu have reported clear views of the islands to the northwest of Malibu including the unmistakable Tokyo skyline with the distinctive orange Tokyo Skytree casting a beam of light visible from Point Mugu to Broad Beach.