It’s Monday, the first day of National TV Turnoff Week, our annual attempt to wean the kids from obnoxious programs and commercials for useless products that promote only competitive consumerism. A vast wasteland indeed.
I began a week early. Well, almost. I bought a new, small flat screen TV that would fit on a bookshelf. The old GE model still worked but took up entirely too much space in my tiny living room. It and the table it has perched on for the last three years wound up at Habitat for Humanity’s thrift shop, but not before I had purchased its replacement.
After calling all over Bozeman only to be told the smallest flat screen TV available is as big as most movie screens, I finally was rescued by Costco, which had in stock five Vizio HDTV ready models 20 inches across, 15 inches high, the widescreen format of most movies. Perfect. Vizio, I was told, is made in California by a small company that services what it sells.
Since I harbor irrational fear of user manuals, especially those for electronics, I allowed hours to read the setup instructions before touching anything. Included in the package was a gigantic, color-coded Quick Start Guide, obviously written by someone whose first language is English. On one side it outlines in four easy steps how to choose the right connection method and which equipment is needed. The other side shows how to program the TV using the remote. Whew. Any idiot could figure this out, I say.
First, I install two batteries (included) into the remote. Tah dah! I connect the cable to the old GoVideo (combination DVD and videotape player) then loop this to the TV’s cable port. Plug in both AC cords directly to outlet. Next I turn on TV with remote and a setup screen appears. Select language from English, French or Spanish, select Cable and it automatically scans for available channels. This takes about three minutes.
It works. I’m a genius. Who needs the Geek Squad?
I spend the entire evening watching my new TV on all channels, even Comedy Central for “The Daily Show” and Stephen Colbert.
Next day I install shelves, or try. I have the wrong size screws for the brackets. At a local hardware store, bracket in hand, they sell me a couple dollars worth of screws that don’t fall through the holes.
Now, I know I should use a drill but I don’t have one with me. Using the old fashioned way with an awl and screwdriver I make deeper holes in my right hand than in the wall. Ugh. This wood is thicker and harder than I thought. The screws are so soft that the driver shreds the heads, stripping the slot. Still, I got two brackets in, sort of, at least enough to support the TV. Leaving GoVid on the old TV table, I put the TV on its shelf. I remember holding GoVid remote, almost dropping it and squeezing to catch it. Uh oh.
I turn on the TV; screen says, No Signal. Come on, I had a signal last night. Check cable hook up. Put videotape in GoVid. Nothing. Change TV channel to 3. Video starts playing my Qi Gong tape. I needed that. Forty minutes later I’m sufficiently relaxed, actually Zen like.
I remove tape. TV comes on to PBS. It says it’s on Channel 3 but it’s playing Channel 17. When I flip to Channel 17, it reverts to No Signal. Ach! There’s no signal on any other channel, just snow, static and fuzzy voices. Back to Channel 3 and, Voila, PBS. I am totally flummoxed. Gone is the euphoria of having successfully hooked everything up by myself.
Next day the maintenance manager brings a drill and installs the second shelf in about three minutes. He knows zilch about programming new TVs or old video players.
I decide to stick with what I’ve got, good PBS, terrified if I lose that I’ll miss the six-night series, “America at a Crossroads.”
By the end of the week, I no longer miss “The Daily Show” or Stephen Colbert. I’ve still got “The News Hour” and Charlie Rose, “Washington Week,” “Now,” “Nature,” “Nova” and “Independent Lens.” That is way enough TV even for a news junkie.
National Library Week cleverly coincides with TV Turnoff Week, so with my new card I check out Bill McKibben’s “Hope, Human and Wild” (they don’t have his latest yet) and the audio version of Cormac McCarthy’s “The Road” for when my eyes need a rest.
I feel confident I can get along without PBS for a week, during which I will get brave enough to tackle the TV’s programming problem, which I’m now certain is caused by a malfunction in the video remote.
At least I have my radio, which also has only one station-NPR, naturally. If I’m going insane by Sunday at 5 p.m., I’ll tune to my favorite news quiz, “Wait, Wait Don’t Tell Me.”
And that will make my day, if not my TV Turnoff Week.