On Tuesday, I was standing in line at one of our three local Starbucks. The following are excerpts from the exchange overheard between two customers:
“I am definitely against all these chain stores coming in and ruining our simple way of life. Yes, our town and the larger world are scary places to be these days, with Ebola, ISIS and White House fence jumpers. I agree, can you believe PC Greens even ran out of grass fed Wagyu beef this week? It’s hard to even find a safe haven for our kids to learn within. You are right, I heard Malibu Unites was trying to recruit disenfranchised youth for their Jihad against the district.
It’s to the point where I rarely leave “The Point” anymore, especially during the summer. Why can’t all those tourists stay home in their air-conditioned apartments? I heard the City Council is considering a travel ban on all visitors coming from the east valley.
Traffic is an annoyance, but not the existential threat to our existence as the proliferation of chain stores. I overheard Richard Weintraub saying that if three or more people share the same last name, they cannot be buried in the new Malibu Legacy Cemetery.
I’m not worried, Rob Reiner’s Measure R will prevent any undesirable chain stores from contaminating our shores. Is Rob Reiner that guy who called City Council ‘skinny, Hummer-driving Republicans?’
Well the best solution is the Planning Commission’s 21-day quarantine period for any chain store employee entering Malibu from the outside world.
Hey, where’s our favorite barista? I heard she is traveling on Frontier Airlines to Cleveland, but has a fever, abdominal pain and some digestive issues. Didn’t she recently return from visiting relatives in Sylmar? I am not sure, but I am addicted to these mass produced iced soy decaf lattes!”
Timmy See