Each New Year’s Day, I am confronted with a dilemma — a veritable conundrum. Which of two absurd traditions do I uphold? Do I list several New Year’s resolutions, none of which I have any intention of honoring, or do I make a list of predictions for the New Year, none of which will ever happen. Now, you, my reader, understand my predicament.
I do not have the mental capacity to do both in the same year, so I flipped a coin and “predictions” won. If you take any of these predictions seriously, I suggest you immediately seek psychiatric care. So, here goes:
1) Bill Clinton holds a press conference to declare, “I never had sex with that woman — Melania Trump.”
2) After serving just two months in office, President Trump announces in a tweet that he is resigning to seek something more challenging than being president.
3) Secretary of Energy Rick Perry finally remembers that the third department he wanted to eliminate is the Department of Energy. He closes down the department and then realizes he is unemployed.
4) Bob Dylan shows up one year late in December 2017 to accept his 2016 Nobel Prize for Literature. “I think I had my dates wrong,” he explained to a very confused audience.
5) Sales of marijuana in California actually exceed the sale of gasoline. The sale of doughnuts skyrockets. Dunkin’ Donuts laments it can’t keep up with demand.
6) Bill Maher cancels his show announcing that now that pot is legal, there is nothing left worth fighting for.
7) Here in Malibu, Steve Woods and Jon Right accidentally agree on something for the very first time. When they realize what they have done, they both reverse their positions which, to their dismay, means they still agree.
8) Scott Tallal announces that the Malibu Film Society has booked so many viewings for 2017 that movies will be seen on both Thanksgiving and Christmas.
9) The City of Malibu offers a program to teach surfing to senior citizens. Twenty octogenarians sign up.
10) California secedes from the Union. Jerry Brown declares himself president.
As they say when the cartoon ends, “That’s all folks!”
Happy New Year.