Blog: New Olympic Events

Burt Ross

I think I have fully recovered from watching the Olympics. To see all these athletes perform at a higher level than I could ever dream of is physically and mentally exhausting, to say the least. I am glad that I will have three years to recuperate before watching another summer Olympics.

The opening ceremony always leaves me a little baffled. It seems like somebody is creating countries quicker than I can process it all.  The South Pacific island of Nauru, which I never heard of, has 11,000 inhabitants, and Nauru was in the Olympics. For heaven’s sake, we have more people in Malibu, and that has me thinking. Malibu fought hard to become an independent city. Why don’t we fight once more to become an independent country? I think we might do very well in the Olympics, especially in surfing and water polo.

The IOC is not only including more and more countries, but it is also adding events at an ever increasing pace. We can watch volleyball played by people in bathing suits on a sand surface, or we can watch more fully clothed athletes playing volleyball on a harder surface. We have events for men, for women, and now for men and women together. And now athletes can compete in sport climbing, also known by me as rocks on a wall. This sport gives a whole new meaning to the expression “climbing the walls.”

If my eyes did not deceive me, I could have sworn I saw young kids riding BMX bikes up and down ramps in the Olympics. I used to own an office building back East, and kids would drive me crazy driving their bikes up and down the ramps. I guess it’s good they got those kids off my property and into the Olympics.

The more I think about it, the more I would like the IOC to include a few events that I might have a chance to medal in. For instance, there are already events for one person kayaks and one person canoes. Let me suggest an event for one person paddle boating.  

Another event I would like to see is stationary biking, which happens to be a perfect metaphor for my life. I work hard, sweat, and get absolutely nowhere. Perhaps the contest could entail riding the bike for 25 minutes without falling off. 

Let’s not forget miniature golf. I can putt as well as the next person, at least on a miniature golf course.

And then, of course, there is my favorite sport—hammocking. You have no idea how difficult it is to stay in the center of the hammock when a strong breeze comes through.

In any case, I am not greedy and would happily settle for a bronze medal in any of these new events.