Blog: Finding a Mate Part II

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Burt Ross

I wrote in my most recent column that I was out of the match making business once and for all. Apparently everybody doesn’t read my column, which explains why a lovely lady has once again asked for my assistance, but I mean what I say and I say what I mean — I’m through playing Cupid.

This time, it was not a widow from the East Coast desiring a rich husband suffering from ED, but rather a divorcee from around these parts seeking an athletic man who is equally comfortable riding the waves or a horse. Now please understand my friend is quite attractive, philanthropic and an all around athlete. She is quite a catch, so I had no idea why she would need any help from me.

“What has been your recent experience with men?” I inquired quite innocently.

“Not so good,” was her response, which turns out to be quite the understatement, given the facts. She told me about two dates with different men, both ending in disaster any way you look at it.

She decided to take her first date on a boat trip. The seas were a bit rough, and her guy was a landlubber. It didn’t take long for him to turn a color somewhere between green and purple, and finally he shared his inner self with the ocean deep (not a particularly romantic first date to say the least), which, by the way, assured there would be no second date.

Her second date fared little better. This time, she decided to keep her man on terra firma and took him horse back riding. He would have been far better off taking on the Pacific. The well-behaved horse was of a different mind from her inexperienced riding companion, and pretty soon, her date landed on the ground with a thud. He broke some ribs, punctured a lung and his posterior was so damaged he couldn’t sit down for several days.

“That wasn’t the worst of it,” she continued, straining my imagination. “When he went looking for his pain medicine, he fell down a flight of stairs and broke a foot.”

I recoiled. This one woman could single handedly finish off the male species as we know it today.

“So can you help me find a man?” she asked, as if there were a chance in the universe I would try. And then I thought for a moment; if I knew some guy whom I really didn’t like — I mean really didn’t like — I might suggest she take him sky diving.