Merry merger to you

I have had sundry telephone calls regarding my article “Where’s That Tree” published in The Malibu Times regarding Michael O’Brien of the Rainsford Place Confection Posse. These inquiries were former friends and schoolteachers of Mike, and often the question was, what is Mike doing now. Michael is married, living in the Los Angeles area and, possessing a MBA in business from Cornell University, is employed the field of mergers and acquisitions. Mike is regarded so highly that his company has reserved his merger team for the most consequential merger ever attempted — that of Christmas and Chanukah.

While I personally do not know the trivialities from Mike on this gigantic merger, I have been told that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years by one merger firm or another. Mike believes that the overhead cost of having 12 days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah is becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, the two religious factions believe the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the 15 Days of Christmukah, as the new holiday will be called. The downside Mike says is that massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the merger agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a greater audience.

Mike O’Brien has declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well for his merger team. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, Mike said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance.

To all Malibuities Merry Christmukah and a Happy Kwanzaa

Tom Fakehany

The Malibu Times is the first newspaper in Malibu, serving the community since 1946.

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