‘States and Cities Angle for Stimulus Cash’
(New York Times Headline February 16, 2009)
White House; Washington D.C.
Dear Oklahoma,
We were quite surprised to receive your request for a share of the stimulus package money recently passed by the Democrats over the near unanimous objection of the Republicans in both the Senate and the House. We were aware of your deep philosophic objections to the injection of federal tax money into the economy and your apprehensions that the spending provisions in the bill would erode the moral fiber and the independence of your citizens, which was certainly not our intention. We hadn’t realized that your objection to “spending, spending, spending” money didn’t extend to “receiving, receiving, receiving” money. But we are here to serve all Americans without fear or favor, and we stand ready to assist the citizens of Oklahoma in their economic plight caused by this recession. We strongly believe all Americans must accept their individual share of the responsibility for our roles in this economic difficulty. We stand prepared to acknowledge our failure to turn this around in the three-plus weeks of our administration, as we are sure the Bush 44 administration is prepared to accept their share of the responsibility for the last eight years of economic failure.
However, we all believe in looking forward and not backward, so once you fill out the appropriate paperwork, which we are forwarding to you under separate cover, we will rapidly begin the processing of your application for assistance.
Yours in bipartisanship,
B. Obama
President
Dear Oklahoma,
We were dismayed to hear that the appropriate forms for filing your application for your share of the stimulus package have not yet been received. With the serious financial strains caused by the recession, the U.S. Post Office has had to reduce staffing, which therefore impacted mail delivery in certain select areas of the country-as I understand it, primarily in certain portions of the Midwest, Southwest and the South. I’ve been led to understand that the environmentally friendly, electric mini-cart that now delivers the mail to Oklahoma had a battery failure outside of Chicago, which has caused a slowdown in mail delivery to the aforementioned portions of the country.
The president has asked me to reassure you that the needs of Oklahoma are uppermost in his mind and has ordered me to personally designate an individual to help eliminate some of these communications problems so we can expedite your application.
Justin Cey Know
Deputy White House Chief of Staff
Dear Oklahoma,
Yes, we have received your 324-page application for a proportionate share of the $787 billion stimulus package and we want to compliment you on your diligence in providing all the information requested. We know it must have been very difficult for you to apply for monies for unemployment insurance, food stamps, children’s medical care, job retraining and funds to assist local government when clearly the majority of the citizens of your state are opposed to the programs and both your U.S. senators and most of your Congress members thought so little of the stimulus program that they all voted against it.
However, in reviewing your particularly well-prepared application we noticed that subparagraph C of question No. 4 on page 263 was not answered, so reluctantly we are returning your application as incomplete and requesting that you provide the missing information. Additionally, since you first applied, the application form on which you made your submission is now obsolete and the re-application will have to be made on U.S. form number 35729, version 6, instead of the earlier U.S. form 35729, version 5 on which you previously applied. We trust you will find this new 627-page form to be easier to use despite its increased size.
The president’s Deputy White House Chief of Staff has asked me to reassure you that the needs of Oklahoma are high on our priority list, and he wanted me to make sure that your application was expedited with all due diligence.
High Lee Unlikely
Assistant to the Deputy Chief’s Assistant
Dear Oklahoma,
We are well aware of the intense importance of the stimulus dollars in helping the sovereign state of Oklahoma through this economic crisis. The president has also asked me to apologize to your two U.S. senators, the members of your congressional delegation, the governor and numerous Oklahoma mayors who have called the White House about your application. The president, the vice president, the chief of staff, the deputy chief of staff and sundry staff members unfortunately were all occupied taking phone calls from really important Blue States when you called and were unavailable.
Nevertheless, the assistant to the deputy chief’s assistant asked me to reassure you that the needs of Oklahoma are at the very top of our priority list.
J. Blow
Under assistant to the assistant to the Deputy Chief’s assistant.
P.S. To expedite matters, we have specifically appointed Mr. V. Young to serve as your personal liaison to the president and the White House staff, and he can be reached through the White House switchboard
P.P.S. We would deeply appreciate it if you would advise either of the senators from Kansas that there was an unfortunate accident in connection with their application for their proportionate share of the stimulus package. We were in the process of deciding the allocations of stimulus monies to all the states and because the applications were so voluminous we had them spread out on the floor of the White House. Accidentally, someone let the new presidential puppy into the room and I’m embarrassed to say he pooped on Kansas’ application for stimulus funds, so we request that they resubmit a new application as quickly as possible. We attempted to reach Kansas by mail, but they seem to be having the same mail delivery problems as Oklahoma. We then tried some back channel communications via e-mail but it turns out, as in Oklahoma, there is little e-mail connection as most of the monies allocated to improving science in both states have been spent on a program to prove that intelligent design exists.
Dear Oklahoma,
I’m happy to report to you that your application for your proportionate share of the $787 billion economic stimulus package has been received and evaluated. After a complete and thorough evaluation we have concluded that your application is complete and appropriately documented in every regard, and we want to congratulate you on your successful completion of the application process. Oklahoma now qualifies for its proportionate share of the economic stimulus package.
However, during the unfortunate delays, and due to circumstances beyond our control, the initial allocation of $787 billion has already been spent. But take heart. There is a supplemental allocation bill about to be submitted to the Congress and assuming Congress can overcome its deep philosophic abhorrence to this expenditure of public funds, I’m certain there will be a share for Oklahoma, provided, of course, you can assist us in helping to get the subsequent appropriation through Congress.
V. Young
High School Intern, Chief White House Liaison to Oklahoma