Disarming ideas


Even if Pepperdine’s Dean Starr is willing to work pro bono to assist the City Council with a paparazzi ordinance that would pass constitutional muster and eliminate traffic around Starbucks, I am concerned about the cost to the City in defending the subsequent lawsuit by the ACLU and the vast left-wing conspiracy.

The following will cost significantly less than protracted litigation.

Starbucks’ Web site promotes their “all-around great cup of coffee.” For $89.95 each, buy a few Zojirushi EC-BD 15s, which claims to be “a great coffee maker,” so our celebrities can prepare coffee in the luxury of their own home.

Subsidize delivery service, so that celebrities can have thier coffee delivered to them.

Starbucks employees: make our celebrities a lousy cup of coffee so they’ll go elsewhere and not disrupt your business.

Remember that discrimination is prohibited only against constitutionally “protected classes” such as race, sex, religion. You may pass ordinances promoting safety and the environment. Refuse to serve “people who have driven in convertibles without seat belts” because hot coffee will spill against the rocks, cause slides, close down PCH for months, with the coffee run-off polluting the ocean, creating LNG odors, heretofore and notwithstanding, et al.”

Pay our celebrities to make themselves available for photos one hour each day thereby devaluing the photos and causing the paparazzi to pursue more elusive (and profitable) targets.

Ask Mayor Pro-Tem Andy Stern to engage in outrageous personal behavior and then drive to Santa Monica, diverting the shutterbuggers to that city.

Have Dick Van Dyke hand out hammers to all celebrities. Our unstable celebrities will whack out a few lenses. Others will build homes in Thailand.

Steven Halpern