Blog: The Perfect Diet

Burt Ross

And you thought you read this column simply to be amused. Little did you know before now that this is the place in The Malibu Times to learn about the most important things in life.    

Many of us gained weight during the pandemic. I don’t know if it’s because we became house bound and had nothing else to do but eat, or because we were so anxious that we compensated by stuffing everything into our mouths.  In any case, my midriff expanded to such an extent that when I looked down, I was gender neutral.

I decided to stop kidding around and to lose weight. There are unlimited “how to” books on the subject. There is virtually a diet for every single day of the year. There are liquid diets, carb free diets, and so forth and so on. But now I am going to reveal for the very first time the most effective diet that has ever been created, so get out your pen and paper and be prepared to take notes.  

First, make a list of the hundred things you like to eat or drink the most. Give it some thought before you start writing. Make absolutely sure that everything you enjoy putting in your mouth is on that list. Now when you have thought long and hard and put all the things you enjoy consuming on the list, then start a second list.

This list is the exact opposite of the first list. Think about the hundred things you hate most to eat or drink. Yes, of course, lima beans will be on the list.  Oh, I forgot to point out that you do not have to list these items in any special order. For instance, if you dislike liver more than lima beans, you do not have to put liver higher on your list. Conversely, if you love chocolate cake more than ice cream, it doesn’t matter where on your first list you place either.

Now comes the important part. Take a good look at your two lists. Study your lists. Then for the foreseeable future do not eat anything which appears on your first list. Do not even think about it.  As for your second list, feel free to gorge on anything and everything on that list.  

To summarize, if you like it, don’t eat it, and if you don’t like it, eat as much as you can stomach putting in your stomach. I guarantee you that you will see your waistline shrink in a matter of weeks.  Oh, and have a happy Thanksgiving not eating anything served.