Viewpoint
Finally, after much wrangling, a formal debate between three candidates — George W. Bush, Al Gore, and Ralph Nader — is going to take place.
Location was one problem that needed to be resolved. Bush wanted it to be held in Reykjavik, Iceland, thinking that would lend a certain historical solemnity to the event. He was finally convinced by aides that Iceland is not part of the United States and would be an inappropriate and confusing choice for American voters. He was further convinced when Karen Hughes, his communications director, told him Iceland was “colder than a witch’s tit.” Apparently, colorful language is always a way to his heart.
Several other remote locations were discussed, but since Ralph Nader can’t afford a private jet and is morally opposed to such perks, they needed to find someplace accessible by commercial flights. As it turned out, the decision was made for them. While campaigning in West Palm Beach, Florida, George W. contracted a mild case of the flu, possibly from shaking hands with so many senior citizens who hadn’t been able to pay for flu shots and couldn’t afford prescription drugs, so he was forced to recuperate there. The other candidates generously agreed to come to him.
The other problem was finding a moderator. Larry King, hearing about so many athletes dropping out of the Olympics in Australia, was on his way to Sydney as a last minute replacement in the 50-meter track event. Many of the other logical choices are there as well. It got down to the wire, but Judge Judy kindly agreed to moderate.
Another slight inconvenience: Outside the Holiday Inn, where the ballroom had been reserved for the event, demonstrators from PETA caused a traffic jam. Upset at George W.’s callous use of the word RAT, they felt compelled to draw attention to the plight of the maligned rodent.
Finally, things were underway. Judge Judy, sans robes and gavel, promptly told all three candidates to behave themselves and watch their language (this directed mostly at George W.).
Judge Judy: “Okay, Al – you start. Tell us why you think you should move into the big house.”
George W.: “Why does he get to start?”
Judge Judy: “Because I said so. Quiet down.”
Al Gore: “I would just like to say that I am the most qualified person to run this country. I believe strongly in our spirit. I believe we are spiritual beings who are just human for a while. You know, when I took on the complex challenge of mapping the human gnome, I did it with that in mind. On a round planet, there’s no up side. We’re all the same, just crawling around this big circle here. Senator Joseph Lieberman and I have talked about the importance of teaching our children this, instead of letting them be polluted by the mindless violence in movies and on the Internet – violence which was not my intention when I created the Internet.”
George W. (unaware that his microphone is on): “What the hell is this asshole talking about?”
Judge Judy: “Hey! Watch your language or I’ll throw your lilly white ass out of here.”
Ralph Nader: “The voters should be aware that faulty seat belts put more children at risk than what’s in the movies, or on the Internet.”
George W.: “You see, Ralph, this is why you’re not going to the White House. All you know is seat belts. What about the big issues? Like drugs. People need drugs.”
An awkward moment of silence in which speakers and audience alike pause to wonder which drugs are actually being promoted here. Governor Bush’s communications director, the ever resourceful Karen Hughes, quickly holds up a sign which reads PRESCRIPTION.
George W.: “Of course, I mean prescription drugs. For our senior citizens. Important voters to snag–I mean, reach. Like women. They’re the swinging voters that we need. I mean, swing voters. Swing.”
Judge Judy: “Let’s move on to international affairs.”
Al Gore: “We need to think globally. Like one of my favorite songs says, ‘He’s my brother.’ “
George W. (with a derisive laugh): “Fine, Al, you just go ahead with that brotherhood crap. I intend to stand on Castro until he flees the country.”
Judge Judy: “How’s he going to flee the country if you’re standing on him?”
Again, Karen Hughes comes to the rescue, holding up a sign which reads FREE.
George W.: “Free the country. That’s what I meant.”
Ralph Nader: “I understand that Castro is putting up billboards urging people to use their seat belts.”
Al Gore: “I have often been inspired by the words of Zen master Suzuki-roshi who said, “If your mind is empty, it is always ready for anything.” I believe Americans are ready for change. As William Butler Yeats wrote, The center cannot hold.”
George W.: “Well, if you don’t like the center, Al, why are you moving in that direction? I don’t know who this Yeats fellow is, but he’s probably some mongrel third party guy…sorry, Ralph. And this Suzuki fellow, why he probably doesn’t even have his Green Card, can’t even vote. You know, these people come here, drain the economy…”
Judge Judy: “Good segue, Georgie. Let’s discuss the economy.”
Ralph Nader: “We ought to ban newspapers. This would save money, save trees. People could get to work quicker.”
Al Gore: “I have a very good economic plan. A sound tax plan.”
George W.: “Yeah? Well, who’s going to pay for the extra dishes, Al? Answer that?”
Judge Judy: “Dishes?”
Karen Hughes’ hastily written sign: DISHES?
George W.: “Joseph Lieberman? Good choice. Good man. Admire his faith. That whole honoring the Sabbath thing? I’m for that. And if he needs to use different dishes on the Sabbath, I’m for that. But who’s going to pay for them? What about the dishes, Al?”
Before Al Gore can respond to this weighty question, a member of the audience yells, “Rats!”
George W.: “Now, I’ve apologized for that ad!”
Another audience member, an elderly woman struggling toward the aisle shrieks, “No! Rats! Rats! The real thing!”
Members of PETA, never missing an opportunity to make a point, have released several boxes of rats. The frightened rodents scurry every which way, desperately looking for an exit, or a pant leg. Judge Judy pulls a gavel from beneath her jacket, pounds it on the table, yelling, “Order! Order!” But rats don’t know that word, and no one else cares. The only person maintaining a sense of calm in the midst of chaos is Ralph Nader, who opens the emergency exit for the hysterical rats so they can return to the alleys where they belong.
When history books are written, it will probably be recorded that Ralph Nader became the next president because he demonstrated his ability to remain calm during the famous Rat Incident.