Blog: Predictions

Burt Ross

Now that I have dispensed with the annoying habit of making New Year’s resolutions, l can proceed to the equally burdensome tradition of making predictions for the new year. If you think for one moment that the presidential campaign in 2015 was entertaining, you have seen nothing yet if my predictions for 2016 pan out:

Donald Trump’s dentist proclaims that Trump’s teeth are the finest choppers of anybody who ever ran for public office anywhere in the world. Trump calls the Pope “a moron” and, inexplicably, polls show his approval rating goes up amongst Catholics. “The Donald” says that women wiping their noses in public is “disgusting” and should be outlawed. An investigative reporter for the National Enquirer discovers that Trump was actually born in Kenya while his parents were on safari, and he is not a U.S. citizen after all and possibly a Muslim. He is forced to resign from the race. President Obama refuses to comment on the irony of the situation, but people close to him say they have never seen him so happy.

Governor John Kasich breaks the Guinness World Record for saying his father was a mailman over 10,000 times. He is given a man of the year award by the United States Postal employees who then, for reasons unknown, endorse Rick Santorum.

Santorum gets no other endorsements and when his wife announces she is not voting for him, he suddenly exits the contest.

Governor Jeb Bush goes public and says, “I can’t take this anymore,” and abruptly moves with his wife to Mexico — her native land.

Senator Ted Cruz declares that any United States citizen who visits Mexico should not be allowed to return. He goes one step further and states that anybody who knows anybody who visited Mexico should be deported.

Governor Chris Christie takes no responsibility when New Jersey files for bankruptcy. He explains in a press conference that he has not been back to New Jersey once in the past two years because running for president is a much higher calling than serving as governor of New Jersey. He states he has no idea why the state went belly up and did not know what his underlings were up to. He is summarily impeached.

Bernie Sanders’ uncle dies at the age of 102, leaving all of his $50 million estate to Sanders. Upon hearing the news, Sanders states unequivocally that he was ill advised regarding his positions on income inequality, and everything he has said prior to his inheritance should be ignored.

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton gets so angry with Trump she actually turns deep red. She is heard mumbling that she would never again attend one of his weddings. She is unable to continue in the race and withdraws her name from contention.

Governor Michael Huckabee changes his name to Huckleberry, thereby increasing his poll numbers threefold — from one to three percent.

Senator Rand Paul challenges Carly Fiorina to a smiling contest and both lose.

Senator Marco Rubio confesses that he has always lied about his age and is actually only 28. He is forced to resign from his Senate seat.

The general election comes down to a choice between the Republican Jim Gilmore and the Democrat Martin O’Malley.

At the last moment, the pizza king Herman Cain — presidential candidate in 2012 — files as an independent. Best known for answering all questions with the slogan “9-9-9,” Cain turns the whole world upside down, including his new slogan “6-6-6,” and proudly declares he can now pronounce the country Uzbekistan perfectly. Cain promises every voter a free pizza and wins the election in a landslide.