Malibu buyers beware the jargon of April fools

By The Malibu Times · Thu Apr 05 2001

Many Malibu homeowners will never sell their home. As they like to say, they are going out in a box.

Others of us like to think there is a move or two remaining in our future, and it will be within Malibu. The day may come that you are house hunting with a local Realtor and hear some interesting jargon.

The following list may be a helpful guide to the vernacular of the local real estate industry:

• Lucy Show -- A house built in the '50s or '60s -- and still looks it. The carpet is so outdated, you can envision the owners sitting on it each night as they watch Lucy reruns. "It had a nice view but the house is a Lucy Show."

• George -- A prospect who sees a house and shows no emotion. From the look George Washington has on Mt. Rushmore. "Thanks for showing the house. So what did George say?"

• Fixer -- A house that needs remodeling throughout.

• Cable car -- Slow-moving negotiations that drag on for days or weeks. The term originated as an analogy to waiting several days for cable TV service to be installed. "Cable Car" later described the speed of service. "The offer came in two weeks ago and we've been on a cable car since."

• Teardown -- Worse than a fixer! It is likely on a good piece of land, but most buyers would just tear down the house and start all over. "They don't mind looking at teardowns."

• Napster -- A client who downloads extensive information about listings from the computer before contacting an agent. Often knows more than the agent about certain properties. "Can I show your house in Malibu Park. I've got a Napster anxious to see it."

• Yuppie Lodge -- A house with lots of levels and stairs which is not suitable for older folks, nor families with young children. "The yuppie lodge on Elm is the size they want, but they have two little kids." Also, "Health Club."

• Fall Down -- Worse than a teardown. "Just needs a push."

• Grouter -- A home among many along the beach that have very little setbacks and distance from one house to the next. With a little grout work between the walls, they could be made to appear like a row of tile on a floor or wall. "He wants to live in the Colony. He doesn't care if he has to buy a grouter." May also apply to tract homes.

• Springsteen Bash -- On a Thursday morning broker's caravan, a house advertising lots of free food. It is likely to have a heavy turnout of Realtors, and take on a party atmosphere. Several years ago, one such gathering took place at a beach house used as a rental by Bruce Springsteen, who had vacated just days before.

• Tour Guide -- A Realtor and their client from a faraway area who seem to be more on a tour of Malibu than a serious search for homes. "Did the tour guide from La Crescenta call you, too? I wonder how many houses she's showing."

• Booney Looney -- A prospect who wants to look at homes in the far western hills and canyons of Malibu (the "boondocks"). "I'm going out with a booney looney this afternoon and then I have to come back to write an offer on my yuppie lodge in La Costa."

• Gig -- From gigabyte, used to describe a brand-new home with all the latest technological features, such as computer systems and a media room. "Did you dig the gig on Winding Way?"

• Police Station -- A home used as a rental with many young people as tenants, such that frequent parties bring frequent visits from the police. A variation is "pig sty" in that the rental is unkempt and resembles a porker's abode. "After I showed them the police station on Point Dume, they felt better about everything else they had seen."

• Radisson -- A house large enough to be a hotel. "They want a Radisson, but they can't spend more than $3 million."

• Meter Readers -- Prospective buyers who look at a house very, very quickly, as though they need to get back and put money in a parking meter. Also, buyers who want to see one aspect of the property before they make a quick decision that it is not for them. "I did two showings there today but the napster this morning was a meter reader."

• Drink of Water -- A house located far up a canyon or atop a mountain. By the time you drive your clients there, the first thing they need is a drink of water; and a bathroom is the second thing. "I showed them two drink of waters and now I'll never seen them again."

• A Walk-in -- A very small condo, the size of a walk-in closet in some houses. (Also, a person who walks into an office during an agent's floor time at the "up desk," becoming a new prospect). A walk-in could be looking for a walk-in.

Editor's note: This article was adapted from an article first published in The Malibu Times around April 1, 1996. This version was written last Sunday, on April 1.

Rick Wallace of the Coldwell Banker company has been a Realtor in Malibu for 13 years. He can be reached at RICKMALIBUrealestate.com. Really.