Blog: Election Time

It’s election time, but I bet you don’t need me to remind you. If you are even barely alive, you already know that.

I do truly appreciate all the sacrifices made by the millions of people who came before me to create and preserve our great democracy. I also realize that the very essence of our democracy is our right to vote. But would it be possible just this one time to cancel all the upcoming elections so I can enjoy some peace and tranquility? The simple fact is, we are about to be bombarded with an avalanche of printed material and robocalls for candidates running for positions I never heard of and people taking sides on referenda I don’t begin to comprehend. I will be lucky to pry open my mailbox, which will be so stuffed with so much campaign “literature” that anything personal will most assuredly be lost in the pile. I will give up television completely until after Election Day, because actual programming will be difficult to find in the midst of all the political messages.

Let’s examine some of the upcoming elections: Taking it from the top, we are finally approaching the finish line for the presidential sweepstakes, which I think started around the time Julius Caesar was still ruling Rome. Billions of dollars have been spent, and commentators have analyzed the candidates and their campaigns ad nauseam, and we are still left with two major candidates – each of whom has a favorable rating somewhere slightly below Attila the Hun. (Actually I have no idea what people thought of Attila, but I doubt his favorable rating was very high.)

For those readers who do not understand this is a humor column: Yes, Trump is far worse than Clinton. Now may I proceed?

When Thanksgiving comes around, we can all be thankful this race will be in the history books, although before the year ends, some politicians will be sneaking into Iowa to get a head start for 2020.

In Malibu, we are fortunate to have six qualified candidates running for three open council seats. None of these candidates has accused the others of having been born in Kenya, nor has any of them deleted his or her emails, and they all know what Aleppo is, or at least to the best of my knowledge. We in Malibu have a lot to be thankful for.

And then, there is the book (slightly smaller than the phone book) outlining the many referenda on the ballot and positions in support and against each proposition. I majored in government at college and found my courses there considerably easier to understand than these ballot questions.

My favorite question going away is Proposition 60, which would require adult film producers to provide condoms for performers actually engaging in various and assorted penetrations. Don’t shoot the messenger — I didn’t come up with this ballot measure.

I could have sworn I voted on this identical matter a few years ago, but apparently that was for the LA area and this is a statewide referendum. In both cases, I would have much preferred my legislators making a decision on this question without my input. What are we paying these folks to do anyway? I am a very busy constituent preoccupied with taking my bins to and from the curb and smelling my roses.I don’t have the time nor the inclination to consider what pornographers wear or don’t wear. Direct democracy needs to have its limits.

Finally, who is going to enforce this measure if it is adopted? Inquiring minds want to know what kind of person would want this job in the first place and what would the job description look like. I can only assume that any job listing will end with the words, “peeping toms need to apply.”

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